


The Tears I Don't Shed

by Donovanspen



Series: Don't Push Me Away [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Bodily Functions (non-explicit), Discrimination Against Downworlders, Embarrassed Alec Lightwood, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Protective Magnus Bane, Sexual Intimacy, Vulnerability, Wound Care (non-explicit)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-04
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:49:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25702357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Donovanspen/pseuds/Donovanspen
Summary: When Alec is injured on a mission, he and Magnus face the possibility that Alec may not fully recover.“He was aware of Catarina’s eyes on him, but he didn’t have the strength yet to reassure her of his own well-being. Alec was alive. He wasn’t in any danger. He knew that he should be overjoyed with this news, but his husband was a proud man, a stubborn man. Magnus knew that Alec would have a hard time accepting his new reality, regardless of the prognosis.”
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Don't Push Me Away [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1747138
Comments: 94
Kudos: 305





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I always thought Alec was very open with Magnus once he decided to be with him. I wanted to explore the possibility that Alec may have struggled with letting his guard down and letting Magnus see some of those vulnerable moments.
> 
> And despite being married and having shared many intimate and vulnerable moments with each other by this point, it can still be difficult to be so exposed.
> 
> I have no medical experience beyond situations within my own family and tried to keep the circumstances believable for their situation. I’ve always felt that there are some things magic can’t immediately fix for one reason or another.

Alec bit his lip and tried to swallow down a groan as pain shot up his left side.

“Easy, Alec. Just breathe through it,” Jace said. He stopped for a moment and took a deep breath of his own.

“It’s fine. Put me down. I can walk.” Alec shifted and then tried to drop his leg, but the movement sent another burst of heat through him.

Jace tightened his grip and began walking again. “Stop being difficult. You know I got you.”

“Jace….”

“I know you hate asking for help, but honestly, this would be a lot easier if you’d stop fighting me. You know the runes are helping, so let’s just focus on getting out of here.”

Alec nodded and resigned himself to being carried out like a child. It wasn’t fair to endanger Jace just for the sake of his pride.

It was supposed to be a scouting mission. They’d received a call for help regarding demon activity in a state park in Georgia. Alec and Jace had joined a joint task force to patrol the park. They had come across something moving through the trees and had followed it back into a cave only to stumble onto an entire nest. They weren’t even sure what kind it was, and they were in too deep to retreat. They cleared out most of them, but one got by unnoticed and came up in Alec’s blind spot. Unable to pull his sword in time, Alec took a hit on his left side. He fell to the ground and rolled over to protect his face and torso as the demon latched onto his hip. Razor sharp teeth had sunk into the flesh of his lower buttock and upper thigh. By the time Jace had got to him, the demon had done considerable damage, beyond anything an iratze could heal. Still Jace had activated what healing runes he could, as well as wrapped the wound in his jacket.

Alec had tried walking out, but he couldn’t stand the pain. Jace had finally put his foot down and decided that he was carrying Alec out. They tried a fireman’s carry, but the jostling against Alec’s stomach was too much as well as the dizziness from having his head down. The humiliation that he’d felt when Jace picked him up bridal style was almost as severe as the pain in his leg.

It was easier, though. He knew Jace was strong enough to carry him out, and he would have insisted on the same thing had their positions been reversed. He also knew that Jace was worried that they might run into more demons in the cave, and he wanted them out of there as soon as possible. They needed to be clear to request help. If another team tried to find them in the cave, they risked getting lost or stumbling upon another nest. So, Alec had relented.

“Jace. Stop.”

“Dammit, Alec. We’re almost there.”

“No,” Alec said with a weak push against Jace. He was starting to shiver, and his stomach was clenching. He had that awful taste in the back of his throat, and he was certain he was about to vomit. There was no way he was about to be sick all over himself and Jace. “Can’t,” he panted, and he was grateful that Jace knew him well enough to realize something was wrong.

Jace stopped and helped Alec to his feet, keeping his arm around him and shouldering most of his weight. Alec tried to step away as he doubled over and started heaving, but Jace only shifted behind him and kept holding him upright.

The pain from his wound and most likely the venom as well had Alec heaving and gagging for a bit after he’d emptied his stomach. Weak and drained, he sagged forward only to be caught by Jace. Before he could even make another move, Jace had swooped him back up into his arms. Alec could only rest his head against his shoulder and fight to stay conscious. 

Magnus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He could feel his magic boiling under his skin, and it was taking every bit of his restraint not to unleash a fireball at the arrogant man in front of him. He was wasting time. He opened his eyes and tried not to glare at the stocky Shadowhunter who was sitting at his desk and basically ignoring him.

“Mr. Hightower, it’s been several minutes, and I would greatly appreciate being able to see my husband. From what I understand of his injuries, my healing abilities may be greatly needed.”

The Head of the Atlanta Institute barely spared him a glance. “We have competent medics who are more than capable of treating Shadowhunters. You may see him once your escort arrives.”

“I assure you I can find the infirmary on my own,” Magnus said, dropping every pretense of cooperation seeing as he was getting none in return.

“I don’t care where you come from, but I won’t have Downworlders roaming free in my Institute. I already relaxed protocol to allow another one of you in here. You’re lucky I’m even letting you in.”

“Might I remind you that Alexander is the Head of the New York Institute, and is only here as a favor to you. He was injured doing what your Shadowhunters couldn’t, and I don’t think he’ll take kindly to being denied my presence or my healing abilities.”

Hightower stood up and leaned forward with his hands resting on his desk. “Well, this isn’t New York, and you’re both under my jurisdiction. You would do well to remember that little fact.”

Magnus wasn’t at all intimidated by this man, but he didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize Alexander, especially when he hadn’t been able to assess his condition for himself. Fortunately, a knock on the door took their attention.

“What?” Hightower barked.

The door opened and a head peeked through, only for that person to be shoved aside by his husband’s brash parabatai. Jace strode into the office exuding the same amount of annoyance that Magnus was feeling. Magnus had never been happier to see him.

“Sorry, sir,” the Shadowhunter apologized from the doorway.

Hightower waved him off and waited for the door to shut before speaking. “Seems like nothing but insubordination out of New York. I hope you have a damn good reason for barging in here.”

“I do. As of right now, I retain full rights and responsibilities for everything related to Alec Lightwood-Bane. Every decision goes through me. You’ll be receiving your official orders from Consul Penhallow any moment now. She’ll also be expecting my report as to Alec’s condition. Now, I’m going to escort Warlock Lightwood-Bane to the infirmary.”

Jace didn’t wait for a response but turned and glanced at Magnus before heading out the office. While he was glad Jace had shown up to cut through the typical Shadowhunter bullshit, he wondered why Jace had felt it was necessary to contact Jia.

“How is he?”

“Stable,” Jace replied as he kept walking. “These morons finally let Catarina in, and she’s been working on him. She was getting a little pushback from their medic so I called Aline to see what she could do. After that, Catarina kicked me out, said I was distracting her with all my hovering.”

“But he’ll be all right?” Magnus asked, needing that extra reassurance. Seeing Jace up and moving around without seeming to be in pain spoke volumes, but he still needed to hear the words.

Jace stopped in front of one of the infirmary rooms. He turned to face him, and Magnus really didn’t like the somber expression. All the fight had seemed to drain right out of him.

“He’s hurt, Magnus, worse than he’s ever been. He’ll live, but I don’t know what’s going to happen.”

Magnus nodded. Whatever happened, he wasn’t going to lose Alec. He stepped into the room, and saw Catarina leaning over the bed and fussing with a bandage. He walked around and saw Alec laying on his right side with his left side exposed except where Catarina was placing the bandage. His husband was pale, and his face was tensed up with a frown. He was in pain.

“Cat.” He cleared his throat and tried again. “How is he?”

She looked up with fire in her eyes. “He’ll recover. Now he needs to rest. Spend a few minutes with him and then meet me outside.” She pulled the sheet up and covered Alec’s hip and placed a pillow behind him to keep him from rolling onto his back. She gave him a brief nod before she stepped outside of the room.

Magnus moved forward and placed his hand on Alec’s cheek. The warmth startled him, and he couldn’t help but do his own scan. He trusted Catarina with his and Alec’s life, but he needed to know for himself. Alec was weak and exhausted. His wounds weren’t completely healed, but he didn’t detect any venom. If Catarina had stopped working on him, there had to be a good reason. He brushed a kiss across Alec’s forehead, and then went in search of answers.

Jace was pacing back and forth while Catarina merely watched him from where she was leaning against the wall. He stopped when Magnus came out. “Ok, he’s here. Now what’s going on with Alec?” he asked.

“He’s healing,” Catarina replied. “His body has been through a lot, and it’s going to take time. There was venom in the wound, and with the length of time it was in his system, it managed to spread. It was a good thing you carried him out of the cave. By Alec not exerting himself trying to walk out, it did slow down the spread.”

Magnus knew his friend. Catarina had a strong desire to help and heal, but she also didn’t sugarcoat hard truths. “What else?” he asked.

Catarina shook her head. “He’ll recover, but it will be hard. The venom weakened him. Even with runes and my magic, his body is struggling to heal. He will,” she reassured them, “but it will take time. This demon didn’t just scratch Alec. It mauled his leg. There is tearing and nerve damage. There will be scarring inside and out. Magic can only do so much.”

“What are you saying?” Jace asked.

“You Nephilim are used to healing rather quickly. This will be longer and harder for Alec. The damage to his leg is extensive, and coupled with his weakened system, he’ll be in for a long stretch. He’ll need substantial care and support for a while. And I imagine he’ll struggle with needing that help.”

“When you say recover, what exactly does that mean? Will he able to walk, fight?” Jace pressed.

Catarina pursed her lips together. “It’ll be challenging at first, but yes, he’ll be able to walk again. If it was anyone else, I would say it depends on how the healing and rehabilitation goes, but I’m well aware of Alec’s determination. It won’t be the same as drawing an iratze and then being battle ready. It’s going to be a huge physical and emotional adjustment. As long as he doesn’t give up, he’ll regain much of what he’s lost.”

Magnus had to sit down. He’d endured a long lifetime of bad news and pain, but it didn’t get any easier, especially not where Alec was concerned. He backed up until his knees hit the edge of the waiting room chair, and he lowered himself into it as a wave of dizziness had him blinking to clear spots from his vision. He was aware of Catarina’s eyes on him, but he didn’t have the strength yet to reassure her of his own well-being. Alec was alive. He wasn’t in any danger. He knew that he should be overjoyed with this news, but his husband was a proud man, a stubborn man. Magnus knew that Alec would have a hard time accepting his new reality, regardless of the prognosis. 

Catarina knelt before him. “Magnus. You guys can do this. You know I wouldn’t give you false hope. As a nurse and a healer, I’ve seen cases where it can go either way, but Alec is strong. He can do it, but he’s going to need you and Jace. If you have doubts, Alec will have doubts.”

Of course, Catarina was right. He just needed a moment to gather his thoughts. He still wasn’t over the scare of hearing that Alec had been injured, but now this. He glanced over as Jace came and sat down alongside him. Jace had gone from looking concerned to determined. He was more than familiar with Jace’s strong-willed constitution and knew that he would do whatever he could to help his parabatai.

Jace held out his hand. “I’m not going to let my brother fall.”

It was a challenge and a question wrapped into one. Somewhere along the way, Magnus had become adept at understanding Jace and Alec, despite the brevity of their statements. He reached out and took hold of Jace’s hand, squeezing it as he grounded himself. “Neither will I.”

Magnus shifted around in the hard chair and tried to find a position that wouldn’t cause his lower back to ache. Shadowhunters were horrible when it came to picking out items of comfort, and these waiting room chairs were no exception. He’d considered using his magic to upgrade them to something nicer, but he wanted to ensure he was at full strength should Catarina need him for anything.

He and Jace had been waiting for most of the evening. Catarina had allowed them in for brief visits with Alec who had remained unconscious the entire time. However, she had them wait outside when she was working. She claimed their nervous energy was too much of a distraction.

He glanced over when he felt Jace shift in the chair next to him. Another Shadowhunter was at the end of the hall, talking to the medic on duty. They both glanced towards them before heading into one of the infirmary rooms.

“You know, you don’t have to do that,” Magnus commented.

“Do what?” Jace asked, his voice low enough that it reminded Magnus of a soft growl.

“Glare at everyone who dares look our way. This isn’t my first time on the receiving end of disdainful looks.”

Jace was quiet for a moment before he turned and looked into Magnus’s eyes. “Alec is my brother. If anyone disrespects you, they disrespect him, and I can’t allow that. You’re my friend, and I won’t tolerate anyone treating you as less. So, no matter how you look at it, I’m not going to sit by and pretend like I don’t see what’s happening. The only thing keeping me from kicking their racist, homophobic asses is that Alec wouldn’t want me to.”

Maybe it was the severity of their overall situation, but Jace’s words hit him unexpectedly. He had resolved hours ago to not give in to his emotions, so he gave Jace a small grin.

“Most people think you’re the hot-headed one, but Alexander has a wild side. People don’t tend to look past the diplomat to see just how suitably matched the two of you are.”

Jace returned his grin. “He doesn’t see it because he’s always been a rule follower, but he has that spark that will set things off.”

“Thank you for running interference and contacting Consul Penhallow. Dealing with this Institute was a timely reminder that all has not changed in the Shadow World.”

“Actually, I called Aline, and she did the rest. Her mother likes Alec, mostly. They butt heads quite a bit, but I don’t think she wants us making a big stink about this. Alec has many friends and allies, never mind being the head of an Institute. The sooner Catarina is done, and we can get out of here, the better.”

“I could not agree more.”


	2. Chapter 2

It was another hour or so before Catarina felt Alec was stable enough to portal back to New York. Magnus was convinced Hightower only posed an objection for show. He never once came by the infirmary to check on Alec’s condition or offer any comfort to the family. He did send one of his men to summon Jace for a report on the demon activity. Jace had refused and said he would submit his written report in the morning. When Magnus reminded him that others could be at risk should they stumble upon the same nest, Jace had replied that when they take Alec’s situation seriously, he would then extend them the same courtesy. He’d provided plenty of information when they had first arrived, and he wasn’t feeling inclined to do so again. Magnus really couldn’t blame him.

Catarina had informed him that Alec would be stable enough to return home as opposed to transferring to the New York Institute’s infirmary, but he would still need constant care. Magnus assured her and Jace that would not be a problem. He was ready to take his husband home.

Despite their best efforts, Alec still felt the discomfort of the move and had started to wake before they could get him settled in the bed. He awoke in a near panic, calling out for Jace. Still disoriented, he tried to summon his bow and get to his feet only to suddenly feel the extent of his injuries. Magnus never wanted to hear a scream like that again.

“Alec. I’m here. It’s ok. You have to calm down and let us help you.” Jace reached out and scooped Alec up in his arms and placed him back on the bed. “We’re safe, Alec, but you need to let us help you.”

Alec’s eyes were clenched shut and his breathing was fast and shallow. Magnus wanted to reach out and offer his love a comforting touch, but Catarina had cautioned him against using too much magic on Alec right now. He helped Catarina prop the wedge and pillows behind Alec to ensure he wouldn’t roll over onto his back. Once they were certain he was situated, Magnus came across and switched places with Jace. He gingerly crawled up onto the bed until he was sitting right in front of Alec.

“Love, you with me?” he asked as he ran his fingers through Alec’s hair. He pushed the damp sweaty strands off his forehead and leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his brow.

“Magnus?”

“Yes, dear. I’m here.”

“Hurts.”

“I know. Catarina is here, too. Try to rest now. You’ve been through a lot.”

“What happened? The cave,” Alec mumbled through clenched teeth. He still hadn’t opened his eyes and his hands were clenched into fists.

Magnus reached out and took hold of one of Alec’s hands and managed to work his fingers in until Alec unclenched and grabbed hold of his hand instead. Magnus tried not to let the weak grip worry him.

“You were injured. It’s going to hurt a bit while you recover, but Jace and I will be here to help.”

“Why’s it hurt so much?”

“It was a pretty nasty bite,” Jace answered.

“Alec?” Catarina called out as she came back into the bedroom with a cup in her hand. “I have something for you to drink. It’ll help with the pain, and it’ll help you sleep.”

“I thought no magic,” Jace whispered.

“It’s not. Well, it is a potion,” she clarified, “but it’s mostly herbal. The magical properties are in a dosage that won’t tax his system. How do we want to do this?”

Magnus glanced down at Alec. With the way he was laying on his side, he would end up spilling most of the potion. Trying to get Alec to sit up would most likely cause him more pain.

“A straw?” Jace suggested.

“No. I can do it.” Alec started to push himself up, but Magnus quickly put his hand on his arm.

“Alexander, wait. You can’t roll over and sitting up will aggravate your wound.”

Alec pushed out a breath and turned over onto his stomach, resting his forearms on the mattress so his upper body was slightly propped up. He dropped his head forward with a low moan.

“Alexander?”

“I’m fine,” he panted as he finally opened his eyes.

“Stubborn as ever,” Catarina mused as she passed the cup over to Magnus.

Magnus took the cup and then held it out towards Alec who reached for it with a trembling hand. Magnus placed the cup in Alec’s hand and helped guide it to his lips. Thankfully, it was only a small amount, and Alec managed to drink it all. He collapsed onto the mattress as soon as Magnus pulled the cup away.

“That should ease some of your pain and allow you to rest, as long as you don’t fight it,” Catarina said. “Your body has been through a lot so you should sleep for a few hours.”

“Institute,” Alec slurred. “Does Izzy know?”

“She does. She’s had everything under control since we went to Georgia,” Jace told him.

While he hated to leave Alec’s side, Magnus knew that he needed to speak with Catarina to make sure he had all the care instructions for Alec. He also thought it might calm Alec to be with Jace and be reassured that everything would be fine in his absence.

“Love, I’m going to speak with Catarina a bit while Jace keeps you company.” He waited until Alec gave him a faint nod before he eased himself up off the bed.

He closed the bedroom door behind him and took a deep breath. Alec was home and settled, he reminded himself. That’s all that mattered.

“How are you holding up?” Catarina asked.

“I could use a drink right now,” he replied as he walked over to the sofa. He dropped down onto the cushions and leaned back and closed his eyes. “I thought I had accepted the fact he could get hurt. The truth is it never gets any easier. And now I can’t heal him.”

“Here.”

He opened his eyes and saw Catarina holding out a drink for him. He raised his eyebrows in question, surprised that his friend would be giving her approval at having a drink right now.

“I’m certainly not going to begrudge you a drink. The next few days are going to be challenging. Call me if you need a break.”

He took the glass and took a sip. “Hmmm, the good stuff.”

“Yep.” Catarina took a seat next to him. “So talk.”

Magnus took another sip and tried to sort out his thoughts. He was so grateful that Alec was alive that he felt guilty for even having doubts. “I don’t know if he can do it.”

“Why?”

Magnus let out a huff and took another sip. “You know him. He’s stubborn and proud. His identity is tied to his strength and ability to be a Shadowhunter. This might break him.”

“It won’t,” Catarina assured him. “Don’t underestimate your worth. You can hold him together until he is strong enough. It’s what you do for each other.”

As much as he wanted the comfort provided by another drink, he placed his glass on the coffee table. He needed to focus so he could make the most of the time Alec would be asleep. “You’re right. Walk me through everything.”

Catarina reached over and squeezed his hand. “I’ve laid it all out on the dining room table along with instructions. I’ll come over every day to check the wound and see how it’s progressing, but you can call me anytime. Try not to use magic for things he would normally do. Those simple tasks may be challenging at first, but he needs to stay engaged.”

He felt the burn of tears but blinked them away. They could do this. 

Alec slept all afternoon and finally began to stir later that evening. Magnus had been waiting and trying to keep himself busy by doing odds and ends around the loft, but he found it difficult to concentrate. He had a good idea from Catarina how much physical support Alec would need, but he was unsure how Alec would fare emotionally. His Shadowhunter was a very physical and active person. Being sidelined would be a challenge for him beyond the pain and recovery.

“Magnus?”

Magnus sprang up from the armchair in the bedroom and moved over to the side of the bed to where Alec could see him. “I’m right here.” Alec seemed a little groggy, so Magnus gave him a few seconds to wake up. “Easy,” he cautioned when Alec tried to push himself up.

Alec hissed and dropped back onto the mattress. “What happened?” he asked.

Magnus eased himself onto the bed and reached out to take hold of Alec’s hand. “You were injured while you and Jace were in Georgia. Do you remember what happened?”

Alec scrunched up his brow and then gave a sharp nod. “Yeah. Got bit in the cave.”

“Do you remember anything else?”

“Bits and pieces. Jace carrying me out. Catarina. Jace was here.”

“He was. Do you remember what you two talked about?”

“No, just that he was here. Did he leave?”

“Yes. He went back to the Institute to brief Izzy and get some rest. He’ll be back tomorrow.”

Alec squeezed his hand and seemed to relax at his words. “How long before this heals?”

Magnus hesitated as he thought of the best way to tell him. Alec was an upfront person and would appreciate the facts, but it would still be difficult. “It may take a while. Catarina did all she could but the extent of the damage and the length of time your body was exposed to the venom are contributing factors. You’ll heal faster than a mundane, but it will take longer than you’re accustomed to.”

“Will there be permanent damage?”

“There may be scarring, but it is possible to regain full mobility.”

Alec pulled his hand away and squeezed his eyes shut. Magnus wanted to reach out and soothe him, but he knew Alec needed a moment to process. It was a lot to put on him after just waking, but Alec would have wanted to know everything about his injury.

“Catarina feels reasonably sure of a full recovery as long as you’re willing to put in the effort.”

Alec let out a little sound, and Magnus couldn’t tell if it was a sob or a soft laugh. “Ok. Um, can I get up?”

“Of course. Some positions won’t work for obvious reasons, but movement is encouraged.”

Alec started to push himself up again. Magnus got up and went around to the other side of the bed and helped maneuver him until he was sitting up but leaning a bit to the side to keep the weight off his hip. The effort had cost him. He was struggling to catch his breath and small beads of sweat dotted his forehead. Magnus waved his arm and placed several fluffy pillows behind Alec. He then guided him to lean against the pillows.

“Take a minute and rest.”

Alec closed his eyes and leaned his head back. “I can’t. I need to get up.”

“Sweetheart, there’s no rush.”

Alec opened his eyes and looked at him. “Bathroom.”

“Oh. Catarina thinks you should be fine walking, but you’ll need some support.”

Alec’s mouth turned down into a frown, but he nodded. He lifted his arm and allowed Magnus to guide him up from the bed and onto his feet.

Magnus could feel Alec’s body trembling with the effort of being upright. With one arm around his waist, and Alec’s arm over his shoulder, Magnus began to guide him towards the bathroom. It was a slow walk, and he could feel the effort Alec was putting forth. 

By the time they left the bathroom, Alec was shaking so much that Magnus bent over and placed his arm behind Alec’s knees and picked him up. The fact that Alec only groaned told him how much pain he was in. He placed him on the bed but rearranged the pillows, so he was still propped up but lying on his side.

He grabbed a cool washcloth from the bathroom and wiped Alec’s face. He was regaining a bit of color, and his breathing was less harsh. “Better?”

Alec gave him a short nod.

“You rest for a bit. I’m going to get you something to eat.”

Alec let out a small groan. “Can’t eat.”

Magnus could certainly understand that sentiment, but he knew Alec would need nourishment and food would go a long way towards settling his stomach. He ran his fingers through Alec’s hair and was pleased when Alec seemed to relax a bit into his touch. “I know your stomach is probably a bit queasy, but it’s been a long time since you’ve had anything to eat. A small snack will make it easier for you to tolerate the medicine. Can you try?”

“Yeah.”

Magnus gave him a kiss on the cheek and went to retrieve the food he had prepared earlier. Catarina had given him a list of foods to start with that might be easier for Alec to tolerate. He grabbed a bowl from the refrigerator and warmed it with his magic as he grabbed a spoon and headed back to the bedroom.

He sat on his side of the bed facing Alec and set the bowl on his lap. Alec glanced down and frowned at the contents.

“What is that?”

“Oatmeal with banana. Catarina thought it best to start with something sorta bland to give your body time to adjust. If you can tolerate this, we’ll move onto other stuff, but we don’t want to make you sick.” He scooped up a spoonful of the cereal and held the spoon out towards Alec. Alec stared at the spoon before finally reaching out and taking it. He sniffed it before taking a small nibble from the tip of the spoon.

“Alexander.”

“I don’t like oatmeal.”

“And I’ve seen what they serve at the Institute. I promise you this tastes better. I even added a little honey.”

Alec relented and ate the entire spoonful.

“See, that wasn’t so bad.” Magnus held the bowl out so Alec could get more. He had also chosen the oatmeal option as it was easier to eat in this position, and he wanted Alec to be able to feed himself. Catarina had repeatedly stressed that it was important for Alec to retain as much of his autonomy as he could. His wise friend had known that Magnus’s need to nurture would have led to him coddling Alec.

By the time, Alec had eaten half the bowl, his arm had started trembling from the effort. He placed the spoon in the bowl and pushed the bowl back towards Magnus.

“Taking a break or all done?” he asked.

“Done.”

Magnus hummed and placed the bowl on the nightstand. Alec had eaten more than he’d expected, and he had a fruit smoothie that he could drink later when he took the pain meds. It was a good start. “I’m going to put this away, and when I get back, I’ll change your bandages.” He waited a second for Alec’s nod before getting up.

Alec knew it had to be bad if Magnus was leaving the room to do stuff instead of using his magic. If Alec wasn’t feeling well, his boyfriend usually hovered and did his best to make him feel better. Now Magnus reminded him more of the Institute’s medic on a good day. He could tell it was bad. He could feel it throughout his entire body, but especially in the burning down his left leg.

He’d felt the pull from the bandages when he’d went to the bathroom. He remembered Jace and Catarina talking to him earlier, but he couldn’t recall what was said. He twisted around and tried to get a look at the wound but only succeeded in making himself more miserable.

He heard Magnus come in and place something on the nightstand.

“Alexander. This will help with the pain.”

He opened his eyes to see Magnus holding a small capsule in one hand and a glass with a straw in the other. “What is it?”

“It’s a potion tablet. Catarina made it, said it should help with the pain and allow you to sleep tonight. And this is a strawberry banana smoothie. You don’t have to drink all of it.”

Alec had never been one for potions and medicines as his runes usually took care of most of his injuries, and if not, then Magnus would heal him. He trusted Magnus and Catarina. He took the pill and managed a few sips of the smoothie. He wasn’t as nauseous as before, but he didn’t want to risk it.

Magnus settled in the bed next to him. “Can I get you anything?”

“No.” Alec couldn’t think of anything that he could do or focus on with the amount of pain he was currently in. “How long before the pill starts to work?”

“You should start to feel something in the next 10 minutes or so.”

“Is that what you’re waiting for to do the bandages?”

Magnus hummed a response. He reached over and began running his fingers through Alec’s hair.

Alec closed his eyes and tried to focus on Magnus’s touch. They had discovered one night while cuddling after a long patrol that scalp massages went a long way towards relaxing Alec. Magnus had been trying to find ways to help Alec destress after work, and he had just started playing in his hair. It wasn’t anything Alec could recall anyone ever doing for him, and he immediately loved it. He just wished it was working now. With the pain in his lower half, he could only feel irritation from any touch.

“Not working?” Magnus guessed.

“No. Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize.” Magnus removed his hand.

“You being here helps.”

“I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”

Alec wasn’t sure how much time passed before he started to feel the numbing effects of Catarina’s pill. It felt like it had been twice as long as Magnus had predicted, but pain could warp your senses. “It’s getting a little better.” He opened his eyes and saw Magnus had been leaning back against the headboard and taking a rest as well. He was glad he hadn’t been watching him this whole time. He already felt a little weird knowing that Magnus would have to take care of him. He didn’t want his husband to feel like he had to watch him nonstop.

Magnus opened his eyes and turned to look at him. “You ready?”

“Yeah.” Alec had had enough injuries to know that treating them could be just as painful and with the way this one felt, he had a good idea of what he was in for.

He tried not to tense up as Magnus got up and moved around to the other side of the bed. A thought occurred to him as Magnus pulled the sheet back. “Was I naked earlier with Jace and Catarina?”

“You had a cloth wrapped around your waist for the transfer from Atlanta, but once you got settled in the bed, she removed the cloth since you’re covered by the sheets. Does this bother you? You usually sleep without clothes.”

“With you,” Alec protested. He felt warm and was sure that he was turning red. The idea of being so exposed to his friends was beyond uncomfortable.

Magnus ran his hand along his arm. “I assure you, Catarina only saw you as a patient. And surely this isn’t the only time Jace has seen you unclothed.”

“What?” Alec tried to twist around to look at him, but his husband pressed his hand against his shoulder to keep him in place. “Why would you think that?”

“You’re soldiers. Haven’t you ever had to tend to a wound or draw a rune?”

“Not naked!”

“So, no group showers?”

“What?” Just as he turned his head to try to catch a glimpse of Magnus’s face, he felt the pull of the tape from his bandage. His breath caught in anticipation of the pain that he was sure would flare back up.

“Easy, my darling. Try not to tense up if you can.”

He could feel Magnus pulling the tape from his skin. Sure enough, the discomfort in his leg increased tenfold. He took several deep breaths and tried to focus on the books on Magnus’s nightstand. He tried to distract himself by recalling what they were about, what Magnus had shared with him.

“No sign of infection. Almost done. I’m just changing the bandage tonight. Catarina will be by tomorrow to clean it and reapply some medicine.”

Even with just a bandage change and Magnus’s gentle approach, it felt like fire demons were crawling across his hip. He bit his lower lip and blinked away the tears that had gathered in his eyes. He’d given up on trying to focus on anything but was instead gripping the pillow with his fist.

“Done.” Magnus pulled the sheet up over his lower half and came back around to his side of the bed. “Alexander?”

“I’m ok.”

“It’s ok if you’re not.”

“Just give me a minute.” Alec knew Magnus wanted to help, and he wished he knew what to tell him, but he was at a loss as well. Magnus had barely touched him, but even the slightest bit of care had him wanting to cry out in pain. And that in itself was frustrating. He was a Shadowhunter. He had been injured before and should be able to withstand this. This was different, and it scared him.


	3. Chapter 3

Magnus woke the next morning to the pleasant sensation of Alec draped across his chest. For a brief moment, he forgot. He basked in the early morning cuddling and was considering various ways to wake Alec when he remembered. This wasn’t the first time Alec had slept this way, but it had taken some maneuvering last night to get Alec comfortably in this position. Magnus was glad they had. He felt so useless. All he could do was bring Alec food and change a bandage, meanwhile his husband was in pain.

He was trying to figure out how to slip out of the bed without waking Alec when his husband’s sleepy rumble woke him.

“Don’t move.”

Magnus brought his hand up and began running his fingers through his hair. “Tempting, but I need to get you breakfast so you can take your medicine.”

“Not oatmeal.”

“Maybe scrambled eggs and toast?” he suggested.

“And coffee.”

“I’m not sure caffeine is such a good idea right now.”

“Do not take away my coffee.”

“One cup,” Magnus agreed. He knew better than to offer tea. They both enjoyed that first cup of the day, and he didn’t have it in him to deny Alec right now. “I’m going to slide out and slip some pillows in my place.”

“Can’t you just conjure it?” Alec still had his face buried against Magnus’s chest, but the muffled words were still clear enough.

He could but it would only delay the inevitable. Alec was comfortable, but he would eventually have to move and once he did, he would get a vivid reminder of his injury. “Is the medication still working?”

“A little. It’s burning and throbbing, but right now, I can manage. When are they coming?”

“Catarina said around noon. Jace plans to be here as well. I imagine Isabelle will come if she can get away.”

Alec groaned and pushed himself up and off Magnus. He let out a little hiss as he situated himself on his own pillow. “They don’t have to come.”

Magnus watched him and was pleased to see that he didn’t seem to be in too much pain for first thing in the morning. “I assume you mean your siblings.”

Alec gave a little grunt but didn’t actually provide an answer.

“Alexander?”

“I’m naked Magnus. It’s bad enough Catarina has to see me. Can’t you come up with something I can wear?”

“Darling, Catarina is a nurse. I’m sure she isn’t having any impure thoughts. And I’m afraid the location of the bite will make it difficult for her to tend if you’re clothed. But I’m sure we can come up with something for when Jace and Isabelle visit. Although, I think they’d like to be here to speak with Cat directly.”

“Magnus.”

He heard the little hitch in Alec’s voice. It had taken Alec a while to be comfortable with himself and then with Magnus. Being exposed in front of others would understandably be difficult for him. “I’ll ask your siblings to come a little later. Do you think you can sleep a little more?”

“No, I think I need to get up.”

“Would you like some help?”

Alec sighed. “Might as well.”

Magnus got up and put on his robe. Alec was trying to push himself up and Magnus could see from the clenched jaw and tight fists that he was starting to feel the pain of his injury. He hated seeing Alec like this. His magic burned under his skin in a desire to comfort and soothe. Watching Alec struggle hurt in a way he couldn’t have fathomed, but he forced himself to wait and let Alec get himself to a sitting position.

“Ok?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Alec panted. “Just need a second.”

Magnus nodded and waited until Alec tried to stand. He hovered nearby and only wrapped his arm around him when Alec’s leg buckled. “I got you.”

“I hate this.”

“I know. Whenever you’re ready.”

The walk to the bathroom was more difficult than it had been last night. Alec was trying to carry most of his own weight, but Magnus was taking on more with each step. They were pretty open around each other. They didn’t shy away from shared intimacies, but this was different. Alec was vulnerable in a way Magnus couldn’t reciprocate. Their relationship was equal where they took care of each other, but neither of them had ever needed this level of help.

Magnus shifted to where he was partially behind Alec to give him some semblance of privacy while keeping his arm around him to provide support. 

“I’m sorry.”

Alec’s voice was thick and husky, but Magnus didn’t think it was due to pain. “For what?”

“This. I thought it would be hard when I got old and feeble, but you’re doing it now. You shouldn’t have to do this.”

“Alexander, you’re injured. Of course, I want to help you.”

“Feeding me, changing bandages, and holding me up so I can use the bathroom. It’s too much.” Alec was starting to tremble from the effort of standing, and his breath became shallower with each choppy word.

“Sweetheart, you need to calm down. Let’s just finish up in here, and then we can talk in the other room.” Magnus rubbed his hand across Alec’s stomach and placed a gentle kiss on his back.

Alec didn’t say anything else as Magnus helped him through his morning routine. He still wasn’t responding when he finally made it back to the bed. Like last night, Alec was winded from the effort he’d just put forth, but this time, he made no effort to acknowledge Magnus’s concerns.

Magnus decided getting Alec something to eat so he could take his medicine would be the best course of action. Frustration, vulnerability, and embarrassment were not emotions Alec managed well.

Alec knew he was being unfair. He was grateful that Magnus was willing to care for him, but he was having a hard time accepting this degree of help.

“Alexander? Catarina’s here.”

He hated hearing the uncertainty in Magnus’s voice and knowing he put it there. “Ok.” He’d been in the room by himself since breakfast. His surly mood had finally driven Magnus away, and he’d retreated to work on some potions. It hadn’t been his intention to push his husband away, but maybe that was for the best.

“Hi, Alec. How are you feeling today?” Catarina came into the room and stood behind him.

Alec lifted his shoulder in a slight shrug.

“I’ll let you get away with that for now, but you’re going to have to communicate with me. Magnus told me how last night and this morning went, but I’m going to need to hear from you as to how you’re actually feeling and managing. I’m going to get started now, ok?”

“Ok,” Alec mumbled when she prompted him again. He gnawed on his lower lip when he felt Catarina shift the sheet to the side. She didn’t pull it off fully, but it was enough knowing his entire ass was exposed and on display. His discomfort increased when he felt Catarina start removing the tape from around the bandage. It had hurt last night when Magnus just changed the dressing. He had no idea what to expect from Catarina but based on what Magnus had indicated she’d be doing, he knew it would probably be painful.

He wasn’t wrong. Alec wasn’t a stranger to injuries. He would feel them before he was able to apply an iratze. He used to believe that he had a fairly strong pain tolerance, but that belief was being sorely tested, or he just outright failed. His entire body felt as if he was being stabbed by fiery darts. He could taste blood from where he had bitten his lip in an effort to not cry out. He’d learned the hard way to not jerk away from Catarina, and the effort to remain still was a battle that he wasn’t sure he could win.

She spoke with him and told him what she was doing and why. She didn’t coo or coddle, and he knew she wasn’t being unnecessarily rough, and a part of him appreciated her approach. It did nothing for the pain, though. He wasn’t even sure he’d remember what she said once the haze cleared from his mind.

He felt the bed dip and his fingers being unclenched as Magnus gripped his hand.

“It’s ok, Alexander. You don’t have to hold it in, not for us.”

Alec opened his eyes and had to blink away the moisture that had gathered. Magnus reached out and ran his finger across his cheek and then down to his bruised lip.

He didn’t cry. Shadowhunters are taught at an early age to not show weakness and tears were the most obvious sign of that weakness. And here he was with tears streaming down his face, trying to hold in his sobs.

“Almost done, Alec. It’s healing well. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but the pain is good. You want to be able to feel sensation. I’m going to apply a salve that will help with the pain and give you some relief.”

Alec nodded. He didn’t trust himself to try to make a sound. Tears were enough. He would not break down.

As promised the salve began to work shortly after Catarina applied it. He could feel her placing the bandage on his leg and then pulling the sheet back up over him. She was done, but it felt as if she were still digging around in his leg.

“Just take a few minutes and try to breathe.” Magnus gave his hand a squeeze but didn’t try to pull away.

Alec closed his eyes again and tried to focus on his breathing. He didn’t want to talk, and he didn’t want to see anyone. A part of him wanted to curl up against Magnus and find comfort in him, but it was too much. He knew that within a few hours, his husband would be walking him to the bathroom again. That knowledge, coupled with the pain made Alec want to sink into oblivion and resurface once his leg healed, if it ever would.

“Alec? It’s been a few minutes. Can you tell me how you’re feeling?”

He still wasn’t in the mood to talk, but he knew Catarina wouldn’t just leave. She’d said it would feel better, and it did. But it still hurt like hell. “Better but still hurts.”

“Ok. I have something for you that will help. It may feel as if you aren’t making any progress, but you are healing.”

“How long will the pain be this intense?” Magnus asked.

“He should start feeling some relief after tomorrow. I’ll come by again and see how the wound is doing. If it continues to improve, then you should be able to maintain it without daily visits from me. Mind you, tomorrow’s visit will aggravate it some so it will hurt, but the hope is that it won’t hurt as much.”

“And walking?”

“It would be good if the two of you could do a little more than just to the bathroom and back. I know you said it was taxing, but maybe moving out to the sofa or balcony would be good. You’ll get some movement as well as a change of scenery.”

Alec couldn’t give the expected reply. Of course, he’d do it. Whatever it took to get back on his feet, but he wasn’t in the mood to discuss his convalescence. None of what Catarina was suggesting was something he could do without Magnus’s help.

“Alec?”

“I will.”

Catarina sighed. “I realize this is difficult for you. Your leg will heal. The prognosis is good, but it depends on you. There is the possibility you could walk with a limp, but with your determination, I don’t see that happening. But if your mood sinks low, then it could. How you approach this mentally is just as important as physically, Alec. I’m here, and so is Magnus. Your parabatai will be here later today. We all want to help you the same as you would help any of us.”

Limp. The word sent a cold chill through Alec and the nausea he’d been holding back threatened to burst up through his throat. How could he do his job with an impairment like that? How could he fight alongside Jace? He’d be a bigger liability than he was now. He could feel his throat beginning to tighten up, and it was hard to take a breath.

“Alexander.”

Alec could hear him, but he couldn’t open his eyes. He couldn’t answer him. There was so much pain in his body, and he just wanted it to stop. Suddenly his breathing got a little easier. He sucked in a deep breath as he recognized the soft touch of Magnus’s magic.

“That’s it. Take another breath. We’re here. We got you. You’re going to be fine,” Magnus murmured. He ran his fingers through Alec’s hair with one hand as he continued to hold Alec’s hand with the other. “Focus on me, Alexander. You’re going to be ok.”

“I’m not,” he gasped with a hitched breath. “None of this is ok.”

“It will be, Alec,” Catarina said. “We’re going to help you. I promise you’ll see a difference within a day or so. I need you to trust me. Can you do that?”

Alec felt as if his entire life was slipping away. He wanted to say yes. He did trust Catarina and Magnus, of course he did. But right now, his body and mind were telling him otherwise, and it was hard to reconcile it all. “Yes.”

“Good. You rest and keep breathing, and I’ll be right back.”

Alec heard her leave the room, but Magnus stayed by his side. As much as he hated needing the comfort, he was grateful to have it. “Thank you.” It was small compared to what Magnus was doing for him, but Alec needed to let him know in some way that he was appreciated.

“Of course. You have always been by my side when I needed you. I couldn’t be anywhere else. We support each other, Alexander.”

Alec couldn’t bring himself to respond. He was already feeling too much and talking about this was more than he could handle right now. He heard a soft knock on their bedroom door before he heard Catarina come back into the room.

“Ok, Alec. I’ve got something for you to take that should have you feeling a little better. This one won’t make you as tired as the one yesterday.”

“They’re not all the same?” Magnus asked.

“No. His wound is healing so we’re adjusting the medication to reflect the progress made as well as what you shared with me about how he felt last night. Alec, I could give you something to make you sleep more, but it would be ideal for you to be up and moving instead. The medication for this evening will help you sleep, but I imagine if you stay awake and active during the day, you won’t have any problems sleeping. Can you turn over and sit up for me?”

Alec really didn’t want to. If he remained still, the pain would settle down to a dull ache and become somewhat manageable but moving always stirred it back up. He opened his eyes and pulled his hand free from Magnus in an effort to try to push himself up.

“I’m going to help you. Just go ahead and push yourself up, and I’m going to guide you. Just move in the direction you feel me prompting. Magnus, I want you to get the pillows up and behind him. We’re going to sit fully up instead of leaning to the side.”

“It’ll hurt,” Alec protested.

“You won’t be putting direct pressure on the wound. It’s healing well enough that this position will be manageable. If you’re too uncomfortable, we’ll go back to the side lean, but I think you’ll be fine.”

Alec was all for any progress that could be made. He gave a little nod and tried to sit up. As expected, pain shot through his left hip, but he didn’t stop. He let Catarina guide him until he was sitting upright and leaning back against the pillows. He tensed up when her hand slipped beneath the bedsheet. He felt her palm against the underside of his thigh as she slid a pillow under his knee to provide a bit of elevation.

“How does this feel?” she asked.

Alec took a minute to catch his breath. It had been terribly uncomfortable getting into this position, but now that he was settled, it wasn’t so bad. “It’s ok.”

Catarina nodded. “You can control the elevation with the pillows behind your back. When you’re sleeping, I do recommend being on your side and having the wedge behind you in case you move around a lot. You can also sit like this on the sofa. You’ll need help getting up and down, but I think you may prefer this position when visiting with family or trying to eat.”

“Yeah. Much better.”

“Good.” Catarina handed him a small glass filled with blue liquid. “Drink all of this, and your next medication will be tonight before bed. And unless there’s bleeding or some irritation, you should be good until tomorrow morning.”

“Thank you.” Alec gave her a brief smile. His emotions were running high again, and he knew if he looked at her and tried to say anything more, he would tear up. She seemed to understand, though.

“Anytime.”

The move to the sofa wasn’t as bad as Alec had anticipated. It was the first time he’d been on his feet for that long as the trip from the bedroom had also included a pit stop by the bathroom. He was winded and in pain by the time Magnus helped get him settled, but he could admit that it wasn’t as bad as it had been yesterday.

“How’s that?” Magnus asked. He placed a soft throw over Alec’s lap.

“Good.” He was sitting sideways on the sofa with this back propped up with pillows against the armrest. He was shifted a bit on his side to keep direct pressure off his hip, but at least he wasn’t stuck in bed. And he was dressed. Somewhat. Magnus had provided him with a nightshirt that fell to his knees. He had told Alec that a robe would be troublesome to keep tied shut, and pajama pants would only cause aggravation when they needed to be removed. Alec hadn’t liked the sensation of essentially wearing a nightgown, and the lack of underwear made it worse, but it was better than nothing. And with the style of the nightshirt and the throw covering his lap, his siblings wouldn’t be able to tell what he was actually wearing. He was more covered than before, but he still felt exposed.

“Can I get you anything?”

“Magnus, you’ve done enough. I’m fine. If you have work to do, I won’t mind.”

“I’ll have plenty of time for that while you visit with Jace and Isabelle. That reminds me, think of what you’d like for dinner, and I can order it in so they can eat with us.”

Alec tensed up, and he probably frowned a bit judging by the concerned look Magnus was now giving him.

“Is something wrong?” he asked.

Alec shook his head. “No, it’s fine.” He had more control in this position, but it was still a bit of a struggle to eat while sitting like this. Just the thought of trying to do it with an audience other than Magnus made his stomach clench up.

“Or we can wait until later.”

“I’d rather it was just us,” Alec said. “I’m not sure how I’ll feel later and,” he trailed off with a little shrug. He didn’t want to have to put it in words. Thankfully, Magnus seemed to understand.

“Later is fine. And it’s a good thing we got that settled because I think your company has arrived. Be right back,” he said as he got up to respond to the knock on the door.

Alec gripped the throw with his hand and tried to sit up a little straighter. He couldn’t move much without aggravating his leg, and he didn’t want them to see him with his face contorted with pain.

“Alec.” Izzy swept into the living room and headed straight towards him. She dropped onto her knees and leaned over and wrapped him in a hug. Despite her quick entrance, her hug was quite gentle. “I’m so sorry I didn’t come sooner.”

Alec lifted his arm and gave her a reassuring pat on the back. From his angle, he couldn’t fully return her embrace. “I’m ok, Izzy.”

She pulled back and stared at him, her eyes searching his. “Of course, you are.” She got to her feet and stepped back so Jace could approach.

“You’re looking better.”

“Thanks.” Alec hoped his face wasn’t red as he remembered the last time Jace had seen him.

“You’re out here on the sofa, so that’s good, right?” Jace asked.

“If you guys will excuse me, I have a few items to attend to.” Magnus waved his hand and two drinks appeared on the coffee table. With another flick of his wrist, two chairs appeared by the table so Jace and Izzy could sit and be near Alec.

Alec gave Magnus a smile which he returned with a wink before leaving the room. “It’s better,” he said, finally answering Jace’s question.

An uncomfortable silence followed before Jace spoke again. “Alec, I’m so sorry.”

Of all the things Jace could have said, Alec wasn’t expecting that. “What? Why are you sorry?”

“It should have never gotten to you. It’s my job to protect you, and I let you down.”

Alec had never once blamed Jace for what happened. Jace had killed the demon that had attacked him, and he carried Alec out of that cave. It bothered him that his parabatai sounded so upset and wouldn’t even look up and meet his eye. “Jace. Jace,” he repeated and waited until Jace finally looked at him. “This wasn’t your fault. We were overrun. I’d be dead if it weren’t for you. If anything, I should be apologizing to you.”

Jace shook his head. “It should have never gotten to you,” he said again.

“If we had been close together, we would have both been surrounded, and you know it. Don’t start rethinking it because you feel sorry for me. If anyone should be apologizing, it should be me.”

Jace’s eyes widened. “Alec.”

“No. Let me finish.” He had to push through this. “I know you know this could be permanent. I’m supposed to fight by your side, and I can barely walk. You’re stuck with a parabatai who can’t fight with you.”

“Alec,” Izzy interjected. “I spoke with Catarina. You’re healing, and the odds are in your favor to make a full recovery.”

“Yeah, but how long?”

“However long it takes,” she said.

“She’s right,” Jace agreed. “There’s more to us than just fighting together. I’m by your side no matter what, the same as you would do for me.”

“But I’m not by your side, and I won’t be for a while. I’ll need you at the Institute helping my replacement.”

“What?”

“What are you talking about?” Izzy jumped back in. “Alec, you’re still the Head of the Institute.”

“And I can’t run it in this condition.” They knew this. He shouldn’t have to explain it.

“You are entitled to convalescence leave, and as you heal, you can start resuming some of your administrative duties. What you can’t handle, I’ll cover until you can.”

“The Clave will never go for that,” Alec argued.

“They already have. As acting Head, I already submitted an action plan to the Clave, and it’s been approved.

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

“As acting Head of the Institute, it was my call to make. And you know it was the right one. You would have done the same. If the day comes where you truly feel the need to step down, then we’ll revisit and adjust, but I’m not turning everything upside down right now when we don’t know how it’ll all play out.”

Alec stared at his sister. He knew her well enough to know she wasn’t going to back down. A glance over to Jace confirmed that he was indeed outnumbered. He didn’t want this. He didn’t want them having all these hopes and expectations that he didn’t think he could live up to, but he just nodded and gave them a tight smile. “So, what’s happening in Georgia?”


	4. Chapter 4

Alec was beginning to love and hate mornings. He loved them because for that brief moment after waking, he forgot. He didn’t feel pain. He just felt the closeness of his husband, and the day started like every other one. And then he would shift, and the pain in his leg would bring reality crashing back down around him.

It was getting better. He could feel small improvements, just as Catarina had said, but they were small. They were small enough that it wouldn’t make much difference with the life he led. He tried to be more positive around Magnus and his family, but it was difficult to smile and agree every time they told him it would be all right. They didn’t know for sure. Catarina didn’t know. None of them did, and it was hard for Alec to cling to that hope when he was feeling the constant reminder that all really was not well.

“Darling, how are you doing this morning?”

“Fine,” he mumbled. He’d slept on his own pillow last night and with the wedge placed behind him, he hadn’t moved much. He still felt that first sharp blast of heat up his left side though when he stretched upon waking.

“You don’t sound fine.” Magnus sat up and peered down at him. “Are you in pain?”

“No more than usual,” he reassured him. “It’s just feeling it when I first wake up is kind of jarring, that’s all. I’m fine, really.” And that was true. He did feel a little achier than he had yesterday, but Catarina had poked around the wound and cleaned it. He’d also walked around the loft more than he had the first day. He was bound to feel a bit rougher with the extra activity, but he knew if he indicated he felt worse, Magnus would worry.

Magnus gave him a hesitant smile. “Are you ready to get up?”

He was, but the idea of being led to the bathroom again was causing an unpleasant burning in his throat. “I think I can make it on my own this morning.”

Magnus frowned. “Alexander, yesterday was progress with going out to the sofa and walking more, but I think you’re still going to need support. You’re still healing.”

“Well, I won’t know if I don’t try.” He didn’t mean to take a tone with Magnus, but he needed to do this. He pushed himself up. The pain came as expected, but he was determined to not show any discomfort. He hated the way he had to shuffle out of the bed, but at least he was doing it on his own.

Magnus came around to his side, but he didn’t reach for him. Alec wished he’d give him some privacy, but he knew his husband wasn’t going to leave him alone. Getting his feet under him without the support of the bed was harder than he’d anticipated, and when he stumbled and his hand shot out, Magnus was there to catch him.

“I got it,” he grumbled.

“No, you don’t.” Magnus’s hold was clearly keeping him from tumbling to the floor. “I’ll make a deal with you. I’ll help you get to the bathroom. From there, you can try a few steps on your own, and if you’re good, I’ll step back outside and give you some privacy. But you have to call me when you’re done. I don’t want you overdoing it.”

It wasn’t a bad compromise. It wasn’t what Alec wanted as he wanted to do the entire journey himself. But at least he’d be getting privacy when he most needed it. He nodded his agreement and allowed Magnus to help him.

He was almost there. The short walk across the bedroom helped him feel a little steadier on his feet, and when they reached the bathroom, he was able to take several small steps on his own. He didn’t dare try to turn around but instead waved his hand behind him to indicate that he was fine, and that Magnus could leave him alone.

“I’ll be right outside if you need me.”

He heard the door close and pushed out a hard breath. Each step still felt like fire in his veins. Whatever improvement he’d thought he made appeared to have been a cruel figment of his imagination. He was determined to do this, though. He was a Shadowhunter. He had to have complete control of his body to survive, and he would take back that control now.

He had almost made it to the toilet when his legs began to falter. He was too close to give up now. He forced out another step and his leg buckled. He listed to the side and fell against the vanity, pain shooting up his left side from the collision. He let out a sharp cry and fell to his knees. His vision started to fade as everything became fuzzy.

“Alexander! Breathe. Stay with me, my love.”

Alec blinked and tried to clear away the dark spots in his vision. Everything was slowly coming back into focus. Magnus was kneeling next to him and holding onto his shoulders to most likely prevent him from faceplanting onto the floor. He was two stinkin’ steps away from the damn toilet. Two! There was no way Magnus would leave him alone now, and he couldn’t blame him. He didn’t even know if he had the energy to even get himself off the damn floor.

“Whenever you’re ready.”

Alec took a few deep breaths and hoped that would be enough to settle his stomach. The pain was almost unbearable in this position, but the idea of moving had him frozen in fear. “I can’t.”

“Ok. We’ll give it a minute.” 

Alec shook his head. “Hurts.” He watched as Magnus waved his hand and created a nest of soft floor pillows next to him. He leaned into Magnus’s touch and allowed his husband to help get him lying down on the soft pillows. The pain was still present, but now he could try to catch his breath.

“Here.”

He glanced up as Magnus placed his hand behind his neck and tilted his head forward until his lips touched the small glass Magnus was holding.

“This will help with the pain. Drink all of it.”

His stomach protested the idea of ingesting anything, but he trusted Magnus. He swallowed down the sweet liquid, and then closed his eyes as he rested back against the soft pillows.

Magnus was by Alec’s side when he began to stir later that afternoon. “Alexander?”

“Hmm?” Alec blinked sleepy eyes up towards Magnus. “Time is it?”

“It’s about two in the afternoon. How are you feeling?”

Alec blinked a few more times as his eyes darted around the room. “Tired. What happened?”

Magnus waited a moment to see if Alec would remember. He’d spent the past few hours trying to decide how much to tell Alec even though he knew he would need to be honest. This was hard for his love but doling out information in bite-sized pieces would only frustrate his husband more.

“Magnus?”

He heard a tiny bit of panic beginning to creep into Alec’s voice. He perched on the side of the bed and ran his hand down his arm. “Nothing bad. You had a bit of trouble standing on your own in the bathroom this morning. You were in a lot of pain when you fell. Catarina had left an elixir that could be taken in such situations but as a side effect, you were terribly drowsy.”

“A sleeping potion?”

“Not at all. It was a pain reliever, but it also contained calming elements. I was worried that you would do more damage to your leg. It’s not ideal because of the sedative side effects, but in the early stages, it’s allowable.” 

“I feel hungover,” Alec muttered.

Magnus made soothing noises as he rubbed his arm. “I don’t imagine we’ll need it again.”

Alec looked up at him, a frown turning his lips down. “We were in the bathroom. I didn’t… did I… I mean, I hadn’t.” Alec’s eyes got wider as he stared at Magnus and then down at the blanket covering him.

“It’s all right,” Magnus reassured him. “Once the medicine took effect, you were able to get up and go through your morning routine. You may not remember because you were starting to feel the effect of the elixir.”

“I don’t like not remembering. Please don’t give that to me again.”

“I won’t. Catarina thinks your usual medication will be fine, but she did caution against trying to do too much too soon. She said the wound is a little red and inflamed but doesn’t think there’s any permanent damage.”

“She was here?”

“She was. And the good news is that she did everything that needed to be done so no more poking and prodding today. We will need to change the bandages later this evening.” He didn’t like the way Alec was no longer meeting his eyes. This morning had been a setback, but he didn’t want Alec retreating because of it. “How about we get you cleaned up, and we can have an early dinner out on the balcony?”

“I’m not really hungry.”

“No, but you will be. You didn’t get a chance to eat this morning. We can have something light.”

“Maybe later,” Alec mumbled. He turned his head into the pillow and closed his eyes.

Magnus suspected Alec was worried about a repeat of the morning. If he stayed in bed, everything stayed the same. He wouldn’t have to try balancing and walking. He wouldn’t have to use the bathroom or get up and eat. But Magnus knew he was only putting off the inevitable.

“Now’s a good time. You’ve slept enough for the day. Come now.”

Alec sighed and shifted so he was half turned towards Magnus.

“For me?” he pleaded with a hint of a smile.

Alec allowed Magnus to help him up and lead him to the bathroom. He’d considered giving Alec some privacy once they’d gotten there and then returning before Alec needed to take too many steps on his own, but he didn’t want to push it. Catarina had been very clear about not letting stubborn pride get in the way of Alec’s recovery. So, he ignored Alec’s red flush and his obvious withdrawal and did what needed to be done.

Alec didn’t perk up much as the day went on. He only spoke when Magnus initiated it, and even then, his replies were mostly one word answers or listless shrugs. He poked at his food and only ate a few bites. He tried to claim fatigue and asked to return to bed, but Magnus cajoled him into joining him on the sofa for a movie. Neither of them paid much attention to it, but Magnus was afraid that if he gave into Alec’s desire to retreat to the bedroom, they would be facing yet another setback.

“You ready to turn in?” Magnus asked. He already knew the answer as Alec had shown no interest in the movie.

“Yeah.”

Magnus stood and held out his hand. He considered it progress that Alec was able to get himself up by holding onto Magnus as opposed to where they had been just yesterday where he had to actively support Alec as he tried to stand. He still placed Alec’s arm across his shoulders to provide extra support as they headed towards the bedroom.

Once they finished in the bathroom, and Alec was sitting on the bed, Magnus broached the subject that he had been contemplating all day. After his morning mishap, Magnus wasn’t sure how Alec would react to his suggestion. “Darling, how about we find you a change of clothes? I’m sure you would be more comfortable after freshening up and a different shirt.”

Alec stared at him for a second before fixing his gaze off to the side. “Fine. Whatever.”

Magnus waved his hand, and their sheets were suddenly covered with fluffy towels, and a large tray with a bowl of steaming scented water sat off to the side. “I can help you get situated and leave you to it, or we can try out this nurse fantasy I’ve had.”

Alec’s face flushed red, but he still didn’t look at Magnus. “I can manage.”

“Maybe next time,” he said with a dramatic sigh. “Did I ever tell you that I once worked as a nurse? Catarina said my bedside manner was abysmal.”

Alec simply nodded and then shifted over. Magnus hovered to see if there was anything he could do, but Alec seemed determined to do it on his own. He had to remind himself that this was one of those times Catarina had mentioned where he had to let Alec try to be self-sufficient.

“Would it be all right with you if I took a shower while you washed in here?” he asked. He tried not to be hurt by the look of obvious relief on Alec’s face.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

Magnus gave his shoulder a light squeeze and then headed into the bathroom. He took his time going through his nightly routine, and as expected, Alec was done by the time he returned to the bedroom. He had to admit, his husband looked quite handsome. His cheeks were flushed pink from where he’d washed his face, and his damp hair was a mess of curls. The clean nightshirt clung to him a bit from where he hadn’t taken the time to completely dry off.

“Well, don’t you look delectable?” He waved his hand and cleared away the bath items.

“Don’t patronize me.”

Magnus stopped as the hurtful words hit him. “Alexander?”

Alec let out a frustrated huff as he worked to get himself propped up on his pillows against the headboard. “I know what I look like. And I know what I am.”

“What are you?” Magnus asked. He didn’t know whether to dread Alec’s answer or be relieved that his husband was finally talking about what was bothering him.

“A burden,” Alec snapped. “A grown man who can’t even go the bathroom by himself. I didn’t even grow old before you had to start taking care of me.”

Magnus took a cautious step towards the bed. “Alexander, you are in no way a burden. I understand…”

“No.” Alec cut him off with a sharp voice. “You don’t. I’m a Shadowhunter. I can’t be like this. I can’t be like this and still be what I am.”

“I was a Warlock without magic. My way of connecting with the world was gone. I even risked my life to hold onto a magic that was destroying me. I was low, but I still had you, until I didn’t. The pain of those losses almost broke me. I do understand, more than you realize. You’re scared. So am I, but not for the reasons you think.” He sat on the side of the bed next to Alec and reached for his hand. He waited until Alec looked up and met his gaze.

“Why?” Alec finally asked.

“I’m afraid of losing my husband. You’re going through a shock. It’s ok to be upset. It’s not, however, acceptable to push me away. I’m not here out of obligation or pity. I love you, and I want to help you as much as you tried to help me. I thought when we got married, we would at least face our challenges together. If we’re going to muddle through the difficult times on our own, why did we even bother getting married?”

“Don’t say that.”

The fight was gone out of his husband to be replaced with glassy eyes and a raspy voice. All the hurt and pain he’d been holding in was right at the surface. Magnus crawled over Alec to the other side of the bed and settled next to him. He wrapped his arm around him and drew Alec to him, holding him against his chest with Alec’s head tucked under his chin.

“I have no regrets regarding our union. I don’t see you as broken or a burden, Alec. I never have, and I never will. You always tell me it’s ok to lean on others for help. Why won’t you accept that same unconditional support from me?”

“I don’t know how to do this,” Alec whispered.

Magnus squeezed him closer and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “You don’t have to. We can figure it out together, but you have to let me in.”

Alec didn’t respond but Magnus could feel the soft tremors and the dampness on his chest. Alec rarely cried, but if ever a situation warranted it. His husband felt so much, but he’d spent the majority of his life holding his emotions in. By the time Alec finally let them out, he was usually raw and overwhelmed. He didn’t try to quiet him. Alec needed to let this out. Instead he rubbed his back and promised to stay by his side.

In time, Alec’s cries had subsided to small sniffles. Magnus hoped he didn’t retreat further in embarrassment. He grabbed the edge of the sheet and dabbed at Alec’s face.

“What if my leg doesn’t fully heal?” Alec asked.

Magnus ached with the pain he heard in his love’s voice. “Then we deal with it. It’s one possibility. There are others that I’d rather focus on. After we’ve done everything to get you fully healed, then we’ll figure out what happens next. Let me be here for you.” Magnus didn’t intend for his words to start another round of tears, but he didn’t feel guilty. Alec kept so much inside him, and Magnus believed only good would come from him letting it all out.

He didn’t cry as long this time. Magnus suspected he was exhausted, and he hated to rouse him. “Alexander, can I change your bandage before you fall asleep? Catarina says it’s important that we be sure to keep on schedule since they’re medicated.”

Alec nodded and started to push himself up. Magnus gave him a minute before getting up as well. He gathered his supplies while Alec got into position.

“Easy, love,” he soothed as he began removing the tape. “There’s a little redness so it might feel a bit tender.”

“Can I … I want to see it.”

Magnus ran his hand across Alec’s back. “Ok.” He walked over to the vanity and picked up a small mirror. He returned to the bed and whispered an incantation. He then handed the mirror to Alec.

Alec’s hand shook as he took the mirror. Magnus waited as Alec stared at the reflection of his wound. After a minute, he started to get a little worried.

“Sweetheart?”

Alec let out a shaky breath. “I’ve seen wounds before. I’ve been with Izzy when she’s performed autopsies. This shouldn’t bother me.”

“It’s understandable if it does,” Magnus said.

Alec kept staring at the mirror. “Does it bother you?”

“Only in the sense that I hate seeing you hurt in any way.” Magnus went ahead and secured the new bandage, and then reached over and took the mirror from Alec before returning it to the dresser. He gave Alec his evening dose of medicine and tried not to worry too much about his husband’s silence.

They had been in bed for fifteen minutes when it got to be too much for him. He could tell that Alec was still awake, and he no longer thought his husband was simply tired. He wished they were cuddling, but Alec had remained on his own side of the bed, almost as if he was pulling away again. “Talk to me. What’s on your mind?”

“What you said earlier,” Alec said. “I mean, when you see the wound, how can you…,” Alec trailed off.

Magnus waited. He wanted to turn on the bedside lamp so he could see his face, but he knew Alec would probably talk more in the cover of darkness.

“Seeing the wound and doing what you have to do. You flirted with me earlier, but we haven’t been close like that since before I left.”

“Are you worried that I no longer find you attractive?”

“How could you?”

“So very easily.” Magnus moved close enough to Alec so he could feel his warmth but not crowd him. “I love everything about you, and I always have and always will desire you. As I said earlier, helping you is never a burden. Do you remember what you said when Lorenzo’s magic was killing me? I didn’t believe you could love me like that, as a broke down, powerless former Warlock, but you insisted you did. I was going to live my life as a mundane, and you didn’t care.”

“I can’t be what you need right now.”

“All I need is to be with you. Our sex life is amazing, but it’s a part of my life with you. There are other parts I cherish as well. It’s only been a few days, but I don’t care if it takes weeks or months. I asked you to marry me because I want us to share our lives, and that includes good and bad times, sickness and in health. You could have said living with a mundane was too much, but you didn’t. You could have drawn the line at going to Edom, but you didn’t. I’m not your babysitter or parent. I’m your husband. And when the time if right for both of us, we’ll resume our physical intimacies.”

“I’m sorry I’m being so difficult.”

“You are nowhere close to difficult. And if you’re staying on your side of the bed out of some feelings of misplaced guilt, please don’t. I enjoy having you in my arms.” Magnus smiled when he felt Alec shift. He held out his arm and scooted a bit closer so Alec wouldn’t have to move as much. He wrapped his arm around him and cuddled him close. When Alec laid his head on his chest, he felt as if everything was going to be ok. 


	5. Chapter 5

“I don’t need a babysitter,” Alec shouted from the living room.

“And that’s not what this is,” came the reply from Magnus’s office.

“So, Jace just happens to be coming over on the same day you need to leave for an appointment?” Alec was trying to control his temper. Magnus had been so thoughtful the last few days, and he knew he had been less than cordial. But he didn’t like the feeling of being managed. “Why don’t you just admit that you don’t trust me alone?”

Magnus came into the living room with several books in his hand. He placed them on the coffee table and took a seat next to Alec. “Sweetheart, if I were worried about leaving you alone, I wouldn’t go. This meeting isn’t urgent. I just thought you and Jace would like some time to catch up. And if I were truly concerned, I would just cast a spell to alert me if anything were to go wrong.”

Alec’s eyebrows shot up. “You thought of doing that?”

“In the beginning, yes,” Magnus admitted. “I was worried something might happen beyond my control, and I wanted to make sure I had planned for every contingency. But you have been doing so well, that I haven’t given it much thought since then.”

“And what if I just wanted some time to myself?” Alec pushed. It was true. He hadn’t had a moment alone since he got injured. He loved spending time with Magnus, but he’d rather do it where they were enjoying each other, not with Magnus staying with him out of necessity.

“You’re an adult, and I won’t tell you what to do. However, if you don’t want to see Jace, then you need to be the one to call him. I didn’t set this up, and I will not be the one to cancel it.” Magnus reached over and placed his hand on Alec’s arm. “He’s worried about you.”

“I don’t need another person worrying about me,” Alec snapped. Guilt immediately washed over him, and he reached out and grabbed Magnus’s hand before he could fully pull away. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that. I’m trying to be better, but this is hard. I fight with Jace. I don’t want him seeing me in a nightgown and hobbling around with some walker thing.”

The walker was new. Catarina had brought it over that morning, proclaiming that Alec was ready to take the next step in his recovery. The walker would allow him to get around on his own and still provide the support he needed. It was harder than it looked, and Alec was exhausted after even traveling the shortest distances with it, but it did afford him a small bit of independence. He’d finally been able to go to the bathroom without an escort. And to be fair, Magnus had been trying to give him more freedom and privacy. He still changed his bandages and helped him as needed, but as Alec gained more mobility, Magnus seemed to be hovering less.

“Well, we still have a bit of time before Jace arrives. How about a wardrobe change?” Magnus suggested.

“Such as?”

“How about pajama pants and a t-shirt?”

“I thought you said pants would be too hard right now.”

Magnus hummed. “It certainly will be more difficult than the nightshirt. But I think a baggy pair held up with a drawstring would work for your visit.”

Alec gave him an eager nod. “Yes, please.” He watched as Magnus went to the bedroom and came back with a pair of Alec’s sleep pants. With a few whispered words and a wave of his hand, the pants transformed into the item Magnus had described.

“Here you go.”

Alec took the pants and tried to figure out the best way to put them on. He was sitting on the sofa but still not putting pressure on his left side. To lean over to step into the pants wouldn’t work. He gave Magnus a frustrated look.

His husband took the pants from him and knelt down in front of him. He slipped the pants on Alec’s legs and pulled them up to the knees. “Go ahead and try to stand.”

Alec appreciated Magnus trying to let him do it on his own, but it was still humiliating to do this with an audience. He gripped Magnus’s shoulder and pushed himself up to a standing position. Magnus had a hold of the waistband of the pants and waited until Alec pulled the nightshirt off and out of the way. Alec reached down and grabbed hold of the pants. He pulled them up, and his knees almost buckled as he accidentally brushed up against his wound.

“Easy,” Magnus murmured as he helped get the pants in position.

Alec tied the drawstring and eased back down on to the sofa. “That was unpleasant.”

“It’s getting less sensitive. In another day or so, you may be wearing pants full time. Just be careful and take your time with them.”

Alec rolled his eyes but gave him a nod as he slipped the t-shirt over his head.

Magnus smiled and leaned over and placed a lingering kiss on his lips. “I just felt Jace through the wards. I’ll let him in on my way out.”

“Thanks.” He still wasn’t thrilled to have Jace see him like this, but at least he was wearing pants now.

Jace came into the room carrying several bags. Alec hadn’t even realized he was hungry until the smell hit him. “What is all this?”

“Magnus told me to bring lunch,” Jace answered. He placed the bags on the coffee table and leaned over and gave Alec a one-armed hug. “How are you doing?”

“Good. What’s that?” Alec nodded towards the black satchel on Jace’s shoulder.

Jace slid the bag down his arm and set it off to the side. “I thought you could help me with some reports later if you feel up to it. Do you want to eat here or over at the table?”

“Here’s fine.” Alec was in no mood to try to get up and shuffle even a few feet. “No need to get all formal.”

Jace returned his grin. “I’ll grab some water from the kitchen.”

Alec waited until Jace was out of sight and then eased himself into a better position to reach the food. He began unpacking the bags. “Does Magnus know you bought hamburgers?” Alec asked when Jace returned with the glasses of water.

“Yeah. He told me not to let you overdo it and get sick because it’s been a while since you had anything this greasy. He said if you threw up, he was gonna send it to my bed.”

“He wouldn’t, but he would be pissed.”

‘Which is why I got you the kiddie meal.”

Alec tossed a fry at him. Jace had picked up his favorite, and he was glad to be doing something familiar. Jace caught him up on the latest news and gossip. Alec didn’t know how he felt about hearing everything. Of course, he wanted to know, but in some sense, it made him feel more disconnected. He tried to shake off the low mood that was overtaking him, but he wasn’t any more successful now than he had been the past few days.

Jace must have sensed it. “Getting full?”

Alec placed his burger back on the table. He’d eaten over half of it along with a good bit of the fries. With their earlier conversation, he hoped Jace wouldn’t think much of it. “Yeah. I probably shouldn’t push it.”

Jace nodded and began cleaning up. Alec made a move to help gather up the trash, but Jace waved him off. “I got it.”

Alec still felt weird. It wasn’t a big deal for Jace to clean up. It didn’t make sense for both of them to get up. It was just throwing away some trash, so why did he feel so bad?

Jace came back and sat back down next to him. He didn’t say anything, and the silence between them grew. Alec knew this had been a bad idea.

“What’s going on, Alec?” Jace finally asked. “What just happened?”

“What do you mean?”

Jace stopped short of rolling his eyes. “You were nervous when I got here, but then everything was fine. Now you seem down.”

“I just ate too much. I haven’t had much appetite lately,” he replied with a shrug.

Jace studied him for a moment. “I know I am not the most open person, but I talk to you, Alec. I know that’s not your way, and I’ve let it go in the past, but I don’t want you hiding from me. I don’t want you feeling like you can’t talk to me.”

“Jace, I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not. Alec, I can feel it. I’ve always been able to feel it, but you look so uncomfortable talking to me, that I just let it go. I don’t wanna do that anymore, Alec. We’re brothers. You wouldn’t let me go through this alone, and I hate that you expect that from me.”

Alec shook his head. He couldn’t do this, not with Jace. The past few days have been such an emotional roller coaster for him, and he was tired of feeling. He was tired of being vulnerable in front of other people. “Jace, I can’t do this.”

Jace nodded his head. “Yeah. Ok. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed. I just want you to know that I’m here for you, and I’ll try to be better.”

“It’s not about you doing better,” Alec snapped. “None of this has to do with you. Do you know how hard this is? After a lifetime of hearing I’m not good enough, I finally get to a point where I am the Head of an Institute. I get to be married to the person I love. But now my sister has to step in and run the Institute because I can’t. My husband has to help me go to the bathroom. Why on earth would I want to share all of this and show you this?”

“Because I would never judge you for it. You have stood by me during the worst times of my life. I don’t want you to think I won’t be there for you as well. Our bond is more than just fighting beside each other. I love you, Alec.”

Alec felt his eyes begin to burn. This was exactly what he didn’t want.

“I promise it’s all right to lean on me.”

The first of several hot tears slipped free. “Fuck,” Alec muttered as he wiped them away. And of course, Jace wasn’t giving him any space. He reached over and took Alec’s hand in his and squeezed.

“What do you need?”

“I needed you to stop talking five minutes ago,” Alec muttered.

“I’m sorry I pushed. If you need me to pretend, I guess I can do that.”

“Not helping.”

“I get it. You don’t have to spill your guts to me, but please don’t lie to me. Not to spare my feelings or because you feel you have to. If you’re feeling shitty, you can tell me that.”

Alec just nodded. He didn’t trust himself to speak. He didn’t know if he could do what Jace was asking. He didn’t know how much more of himself he could put out on display.

“What do you need?” Jace asked again.

Alec took a deep breath and nodded towards the bag. “What reports did you bring?”

Jace hesitated for a moment before leaning over and picking up the bag. “Izzy wanted us to look over some transfer requests.”

“Oh.” Alec cleared his throat. It made sense that people wouldn’t want to continue to serve under him when he couldn’t even lead them. “If someone feels the need to leave, I won’t stand in their way.”

“They’re not outgoing, Alec. They’re incoming,” Jace explained.

“What about the academy graduates? Won’t we be overstaffed?”

“That’s why Izzy wanted our input. We can still take the academy graduates, but you’re right. We’ll be overstaffed, and it’ll be harder to get Alicante to approve the transfers. All the transfer requests have strong ties to the Downworld, and they’ve heard how you run things. But for Izzy to choose them over the academy grads, she’d have to tell them we’re opting for more experienced Shadowhunters while you’re convalescing. It’s a valid reason that doesn’t carry any consequence, but we wanted your input before making that call.”

Alec didn’t want it on any permanent file that the New York Institute couldn’t take on new personnel due to his absence, but that was his ego talking. Everything Jace said made sense, and Alec certainly wanted more team members who embraced the culture of their Institute. “I would go with the transfers.”

“Then we all agree. Izzy needs you to look over their files and give any input as to positions and training. And she wanted to know if you would do the budget report. She hates those.”

“Yeah, I remember.” Alec thought about what day it was and when the report was due. “I’ll have it done in time. What about patrol rosters?”

“Clary and I are doing them but only to make sure Izzy doesn’t burn herself out trying to prove to you she can do this job. She doesn’t want you worried about it or trying to step down.”

Alec felt a measure of guilt pull at him. “Be honest, how is she really?”

“Fine,” Jace answered. “We did the patrol reports so Simon could take her out to dinner. She’s not overdoing it, and we’re not going to let her. Alec, you put together a system that makes it easy for us to step in if we need to. Stop worrying about it, and let’s keep it working.”

Alec appreciated what Jace was doing especially after the heaviness of their earlier conversation. He took the tablet Jace handed him and began reviewing the files.

Magnus hesitated outside the door to the loft. He knew Jace had been gone for over an hour, and he felt slightly guilty for his reluctance to return home. He certainly didn’t blame Alec. If anything, he blamed himself for not handling this situation better. He’d been allowing his own personal feelings to get in the way of being what Alec needed. Catarina had tried to tell him this was a normal but essentially unhelpful reaction that many caregivers had, but it was how he felt. Alec’s mood swings always affected him, and he needed to not take them so personally.

He stepped inside the loft, and the little bit of tension he’d been holding faded away as he noted everything seemed fine. He looked towards the living room and saw Alec sitting on the sofa and looking at his tablet. He assumed Jace brought him some work to keep him occupied.

“Good visit?” he asked as he made his way over to the sofa. He leaned down and placed a kiss on Alec’s cheek.

Alec placed the tablet on the coffee table and looked up at Magnus. “Yeah, it was. How about you? Good to finally get away from here?”

Magnus waved off his comment as he sat down next to Alec. “I’m never eager to be away from you. I ran some errands, checked in on a few clients and visited with Catarina. Nothing terribly exciting.”

Alec nodded. Magnus was having a hard time trying to gauge his mood. Alec hadn’t been very animated over the past few days beyond bouts of frustration. Mostly, he was quiet and kept his thoughts to himself. The few times he did open up had been a result of some catalyst that forced the emotions out of his husband.

“Back to the nightshirt,” he commented as he noticed Alec was no longer wearing the sleep pants and t-shirt.

“The pants were hard to maneuver.”

It felt like a setback. Magnus knew it wasn’t but being able to wear pants had seemed like a step forward. Not knowing what to say about that, Magnus focused on what he hoped was another step forward. “Are you working?”

“Yeah, a little. Jace and Izzy wanted me to look over some files. I also told them I’d do the budget report.”

“Sounds like a nice afternoon.”

“It was,” Alec agreed.

He was about to ask about dinner when Alec reached over and took hold of his hand. The gesture was nice, and Magnus allowed himself to be comforted by the touch. He shouldn’t have been surprised when Alec tugged on his hand and pulled him in close for a kiss. Alec often initiated kisses and close contact, but Magnus really hadn’t been focusing on that part of their relationship. He’d meant what he told Alec about being fine with waiting, but he had to admit, this felt nice.

For not having had any prior experience, Alec was a fantastic kisser. He gave Magnus his full attention, and Magnus was hard pressed to remember a time when he had been so thoroughly loved from just pressing his mouth against another person’s. It never failed to rile him up when Alec kissed him this way, and tonight was no different.

He let out a soft moan as Alec’s tongue traced his bottom lip before slipping inside his mouth to tease against his tongue. Careful not to press up too hard against him, Magnus moved closer. Alec leaned in a bit as well and placed his hand on his neck, holding him close. Oh yes, Alec definitely had intentions.

Magnus tilted his head back to catch his breath, and Alec immediately latched onto his neck. It had been days and while he was ok with the wait, he couldn’t help but feel a spark of desire. When Alec’s free hand slipped under his shirt, Magnus felt his need and anticipation grow. Alec was an attentive lover but also very responsive. He reached out and ran his hand across his chest, eager to hear the cute little hitching noise Alec makes when he’s excited.

Magnus waited, but he didn’t hear it. Admittedly, it was hard to concentrate with the way Alec was sucking on his neck, but Magnus had just enough presence of mind to realize something was off.

He pushed back and tilted his head away. “Alec. Wait.”

Alec stopped and when their eyes met, Magnus knew. His heart broke a little when he saw how clear Alec’s eyes were, and the absence of his usual red flush that appears almost as soon as they start making out.

Magnus reached up and took Alec’s hand from his neck and wrapped it in both of his hands. “Love, what’s going on?”

Alec frowned at him. “What do you mean? Why did you stop?”

Oh, how it pained him to say it. “Because you don’t really want this.”

“What? Of course I do. I started kissing you. You’re the one who pulled back.”

Magnus recognized the slightly defensive tone to his voice. It was just enough for Magnus to realize that his perception had been right, but that Alec might also be a little hurt.

“Alexander, I know you. You’re a fantastic lover, and while I thoroughly enjoy kissing you, I could tell you weren’t feeling it. Tell me honestly that you are in the mood, and I’ll apologize, and we’ll forget I ever said anything.”

Alec pulled his hand free and turned away from Magnus. “I wouldn’t have kissed you if I didn’t want to.”

Magnus struggled to find the right words. He knew his husband. He knew how Alec initiated and responded to touch. And while his actions may have been based in love, Magnus didn’t want Alec doing anything just because he thought Magnus wanted it.

“Never mind.” Alec wouldn’t look at him as he tried to stand up.

“Alexander, please talk to me.” Magnus reached out to help him only for Alec to wave him off.

“I’m tired. I’m going to take a nap.”

He watched Alec shuffle his way towards the bedroom, his head down and shoulders stiff. Magnus let him go. He didn’t know how to reach Alec, and everything he did seemed to only make things worse.


	6. Chapter 6

Magnus poured the scrambled eggs into the serving bowl and set it on the counter. Breakfast was done, and he didn’t have anything else to do to keep himself occupied. Catarina would be finishing up with Alec, and he thought breakfast would be a good ice breaker. Alec had been withdrawn and distant since Magnus had put a halt to his advances last night. He hadn’t meant it as a rejection, but Alec had taken it as such. Any attempts he’d made to try to explain only made it worse. They had gone through the evening more distant than strangers. Alec had requested the bandage change early and had then turned in for the evening. Magnus had spent most of the night sitting up and wondering how to fix this.

“So, you want to tell me what’s going on?” Catarina asked when she stepped into the kitchen. She nodded towards the coffee pot.

Magnus gave her a slight frown as he poured her a cup and set it on the counter in front of her. “Guess his mood didn’t improve for you.”

“A mood? Is that what we’re calling it? I’ve seen Alec express many different emotions. I dare say I have probably seen him at his worst, and yet today was unexpected. Did something happen while you were out yesterday?”

“More like after I got home,” he replied. The weight of their fight felt like an anchor sitting on his chest.

“I thought you were feeling better. If you needed a longer break, you should have called me.”

“I did feel better. And Alec seemed to have had a good visit with Jace. He kissed me, and everything seemed good.”

“But,” Catarina prompted.

“He wasn’t initiating because he wanted it for himself. It was more that he was trying to do me a favor. We’d talked about it a few days ago, and he seems worried that I’m frustrated because we haven’t been able to be intimate. When I pulled away, I guess he felt rejected, and he’s been shutting me out ever since.

“Well, if he initiated things,” Catarina said with a shrug.

“I know Alec and how he responds. We have always been genuine with each other in this sense, and I don’t want him doing something out of obligation. I know my husband, and I feel like there’s enough going on right now between us that I don’t want to add another area of miscommunication or hurt feelings. But in my bid to protect that part of our relationship, I ended up doing the opposite.”

“You’re both feeling pretty raw right now. And that’s normal.”

“But I don’t know how to make it better.”

“It’s not your job to make it better, Magnus. You two are in this together. You’re hurting for him, but your guilt isn’t helping either of you. While it’s understandable, you can’t let that cloud your thinking. You’re both so worried about taking care of the other that you’re almost sabotaging yourselves.” 

“But I should be taking care of him,” Magnus insisted. “Alec was there for me when I lost my magic. He did everything he could. And look at me. Alec has always worried about being a burden to me, and all I’m doing is proving him right. I hate that I feel this way. I don’t want to feel like I need to get away. I don’t want to dread approaching him about changing his bandage.” The guilt he felt at saying those words was nothing compared to the devastation he felt when he turned upon hearing a noise and saw Alec standing right outside the kitchen. “Alexander.”

Alec shook his head and turned away and started back towards the bedroom, his progress slowed by the awkwardness of using the walker.

“See I just keep making everything worse,” Magnus groaned.

Catarina sipped her coffee and nodded. “You’re struggling because you want to be perfect for him. You feel as if your feelings and emotions don’t matter, and you’re not allowing yourself to be realistic about how this affects both of you. And unfortunately, it comes across to Alec exactly in the way that you don’t want. Go talk to him. You won’t fix everything but at least get him listening. I’ll give you guys 20 minutes, and then we are all going to sit down and talk.”

Magnus shook his head. “I don’t think that’s such a good idea.”

“Too bad,” Catarina said. “You guys need to get past this, otherwise, Alec’s recovery is at risk.”

He knew Catarina was right, but there was a part of him that was so afraid that he would only make things worse. Still, he needed to try.

When he got to the bedroom, he saw that Alec had thrown some of his clothes onto the bed. He turned and saw Alec in the walk-in closet gathering up some shirts.

“Alexander, we need to talk.”

“Don’t bother,” he said. “I’ll get out of your hair and head back to the Institute.”

“I won’t force you to stay, but please let me explain.”

“There’s no need,” said Alec. “I get it, it’s a lot.”

“It really isn’t,” Magnus replied. “I know it didn’t sound that way, but Alexander, you have to know that I want you here with me.”

“I’m not your responsibility.”

“But you are. We belong to each other. I’m not asking you to stay out of some sense of duty. I’m asking you because I truly want to do this with you.”

“Magnus, I heard you.”

“Yes, you did. Alexander, I worry about doing or saying the wrong thing. Like last night. I love you so much, and I am still very much attracted to you. That’s not why I pulled away. In no way was last night about me rejecting you, even if that’s how it came across."

“You said you dread being near me.”

Magnus wished he’d never voiced his frustrations aloud. “That’s not what I meant.”

“Seemed pretty clear to me.”

“Well, it’s not. I am frustrated but not for the reasons you’re thinking. I know you aren’t comfortable with needing this level of help from me, but this is where we are. It’s either me or your family or the medics at the Institute. I would hope that you would prefer me, but my presence only seems to upset you.”

“I wasn’t upset with you last night.”

“Alexander, tell me honestly that was something you wanted for yourself as well, that you weren’t just doing it for me.”

“What’s wrong with me wanting to give that to you?”

“Nothing as long as you didn’t feel like you had to do it. Alexander, when I flirted with you, I didn’t mean to pressure you. I was trying to lighten the mood and let you know that I still find you attractive, but I never meant for you to feel any sort of obligation. Our relationship has always been loving and flirtatious, and I guess I wanted you to know that my feelings haven’t changed. We don’t have to be sexually intimate on any given schedule or time frame. We have always been so real and open, and I don’t want that to change. I’ve been in relationships where intimacy became currency, and I don’t want that for us.”

“That doesn’t change how you feel and what you said.”

“You’re right, and I’m so sorry you heard that. If I could heal you, I would. I don’t know how to make it better. I don’t know how to help you other than what I’m doing, and that doesn’t seem to be working. So yes, I’m frustrated but not at you. And yes, I dread having to do these things because I can’t help but feel that I’m hurting you as well.”

“It’s not you. I have enough self-awareness to know that this is on me, but I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t want to feel this way, but I don’t know how to change it,” Alec admitted.

Magnus stepped forward and held out his arms. “Sweetheart, do you want to go back to the Institute?”

Alex shook his head and stepped into Magnus’s embrace.

“If you can be patient with me, I promise we’ll get through this.” Magnus ran his fingers through Alec’s hair as his husband buried his face against his neck. It felt good to hold him again, to reconnect.

“How about we get Catarina’s report and then have breakfast on the balcony?”

Alec pulled back and looked in his eyes, hesitating a bit. Magnus leaned forward and pressed his lips against his, giving Alec a kiss full of love and promise.

“I’m glad to see you guys are communicating. Now, if you’d be so kind as to join me out there, I do have another appointment in an hour.”

Magnus glanced over his shoulder to glare at his friend. While grateful for her support, her timing could be better. “We appreciate your help, but I think it’s probably best if we talk privately.”

“Too bad. You guys had a chance to talk, and you clearly need a little help. Alec is ready to turn a corner in his recovery, but you can’t be in this emotional space doing it. He needs to be making the best decisions to heal and progress, not reacting because he’s focused on your relationship. So, we’re going to clear the air so we can get on with getting Alec back on his feet.” She didn’t wait for a reply but turned and left the bedroom. 

Magnus sighed and reached for Alec’s hand. “I can ask her to leave.”

“It’s all right,” Alec said. “She um, told me that she needed to speak with us.”

Magnus heard the hesitation. “Are you worried?”

“A little? I figured she’d tell you first if it was bad news.”

“She would,” Magnus agreed. “Let’s get this over with, shall we?”

“As indicated, Catarina was waiting for them in the living room. Magnus helped Alec settle on the sofa and sat next to him, keeping hold of his hand.

“All right then, Magnus will start with you. When you came to see me yesterday, you expressed guilt over feeling tired and stressed, similar to what you overheard this morning, Alec. I told you yesterday and I’ll say it again for both of you, it’s a normal response. Magnus doesn’t resent taking care of you. In fact, his desire to care for you is so strong that it’s resulting in unrealistic expectations. That worry can come across as frustration. And Alec, it’s ok to need Magnus in this way. He’s taking his cues from you, whether you speak them or not. And this is important for this next phase.” 

“I’ve been doing this for a long time, and I’ve seen it happen over and over again. Alec has the injury, but it affects both of you. And it’s nobody’s fault. Parents don’t blame their children when they need a little extra help, and spouses shouldn’t blame each other. Alec, if Magnus couldn’t be by your side right now, he’d burn down the world trying to get there. And you would do the same. You literally went to Edom for him. Don’t discredit him by thinking his love isn’t just as strong. And Magnus, you just need to be here. I promise you aren’t making things worse.”

Magnus glanced over at Alec who was keeping his gaze focused down and not looking at Catarina’s face. He could feel the stiffness in Alec’s body and knew he was deeply uncomfortable with this talk. He wanted to protect Alec, but Catarina was right. They both needed to hear this.

“Alexander.” He gave him a gentle nudge with his shoulder. “I’m sorry my words and actions hurt you. I’ve never considered you a burden or wished to be anywhere else.”

Alec looked up at him and gave him a small smile. “It’s ok. You’ve been taking care of me this entire time. You’re allowed to be tired.”

“On that note, I’m going to jump back in,” Catarina said. “You guys just went through a difficult stage, and with only one primary caregiver, it can be stressful for everyone. However,” she said with a smile, “things are a little different in this next stage.”

Alec immediately turned his attention to Catarina. “Next stage? Does that mean….”

“That you’re progressing,” Catarina answered before Alec could finish his question. “Your wound has healed enough that it doesn’t need the level of care that it did before. You’ll still need to tend to it, but Magnus can handle that, and I’ll check a couple times a week as opposed to every day. And you are ready to start a therapy routine. You’ll need to walk more and help condition the muscle so it can continue to heal.”

Magnus wanted to cry at the hopeful smile he saw on Alec’s face. Catarina must have seen it also because she held up her hand.

“Easy, Shadowhunter,” she said. “You’re not out of the woods yet. This is why I needed you and Magnus on the same page. Conditioning can help facilitate a full recovery, but it can also cause damage if done incorrectly. I didn’t want you starting this and pushing yourself because you and Magnus had a fight. You’ll need to work together. Or if you’d like, you can work with someone else if you think this would be a strain on your relationship.”

Magnus saw Alec bite his bottom lip in uncertainty, and that just wouldn’t do. “I’ll support whatever Alec chooses.”

“I want you to help me.”

Magnus leaned over and brushed a kiss across his cheek. “I’d like nothing more.”

“Thought so,” Catarina said. “I’ll give you a rundown of the exercises and what equipment you’ll need. I’ll be here this afternoon to go through the first session with you. And, with this stage, as long as you’re not overdoing it and progressing on track, Alec you won’t need as much support. You’ll be able to maneuver around the apartment, even outside of here if you feel up to it, and Magnus you can come and go without worrying so much. I’ll show you some massage techniques this afternoon as well. No iratzes or healing magic. You’ll need to feel how things are progressing and those methods might mask a bigger issue. Any questions.”

Alec’s smile had only grown bigger throughout Catarina’s little speech. “What time will you be back?” he asked.

Magnus watched as Alec bit his lip and his face flushed a bit redder. “Alexander?”

“I’m ok,” Alec panted. “A little more.”

Magnus glanced over towards Catarina who nodded for him to continue. He pushed Alec’s leg a little further up towards his chest, stretching the muscle in one of the exercises Catarina had shown them. Alec was currently lying on the floor on a padded mat, and Magnus had been helping him through a series of stretches after they had done several laps through the apartment. They were nearing the end of the session, and Magnus didn’t want to overdo it on their first day.

He held Alec’s leg in place for a count of ten and then slowly began to lower it back to the floor. “One more?” he asked.

Alec blew out a shaky breath and shook his head. “Is that ok?”

“More than,” Catarina said. “It’s ok to push yourself but you need to be aware of your limits. You’re more self-aware than most people who need to go through physical therapy, so I trust you to know when to push and when to take a break. Today was a good start.”

Magnus was so happy to see the little smile on Alec’s face at hearing Catarina’s words. Alec had been uncomfortable, and there had been some painful moments, but his demeanor had greatly improved as he did his exercises.

“Take it easy for the rest of the day. It’s ok to walk around, but don’t be afraid to use the walker if you need to. You’ll probably be sore tomorrow, but don’t let that stop you from doing the exercises. The massages will help as well. Alec, if you can roll over, I’ll show Magnus how it’s done.”

Magnus kept an eye on Alec’s expression as he helped him get in position. Alec hadn’t been thrilled with the terribly short athletic shorts he had to wear, but with the injury being so high on his leg, Catarina didn’t want it covered during the session. Magnus couldn’t have imagined any other time Alec would have worn something so revealing, but the major parts were covered. He did seem better with Catarina touching him, even though he was still carrying some tension.

“Relax,” Catarina muttered as she placed her hand on Alec’s leg. “I’m just going to massage your lower leg, and you will feel me go a little higher as we do need to massage those muscles as well.”

Alec gave a sharp nod and closed his eyes, his head resting on his arms.

Magnus watched as Catarina showed him what to do. Alec eventually began to relax, and it was easier to work the muscles.

“As the days progress, he’ll gain more strength, and these massages will feel really good,” Catarina said.

By the time they were finished, Alec was pliant and almost asleep.

“That’ll happen also,” Catarina said. “The exertion and then relaxing sensation of the massage. If he’s comfortable there, go with it, but a massage table might be easier for both of you.”

“Um hmmm,” Alec muttered from his spot on the floor.

“Catarina, I don’t know how to thank you.” They had been through a lot together, but Magnus couldn’t remember a time that his heart had been so grateful for this friend. He didn’t know if he and Alec would have made it this far without her.

“You know it’s not necessary. We’re family, and we’ll always be there for each other. And now, the best for last. The wound has healed enough that Alec can resume taking showers. Hold off on soaking baths for now but getting the wound wet should be fine as long as you’re allowing it to dry. Put a handrail or shower chair in there in case he gets tired of standing or has difficulty with the slippery floor. Or you know, shower with him.” Catarina gave him a cheeky smile before opening a portal and stepping through.

Magnus turned around to see Alec getting to his feet. He held out his arm when Alec stumbled and allowed Alec to determine how much support he needed. “Good?” he asked once Alec seemed stable.

“Yeah. Just wobbly for a second there, but I’m good.”

“Shower?”

“Yes, please,” Alec sighed.

“What do you need?” Magnus asked once they got to the bathroom. “We can get a small chair if you’d like.”

Alec shook his head. “I want to stand. I, um, I know you’ve been with me all day, but would you mind helping me?”

For all their time together, Alec hadn’t gotten over his shyness when he was uncertain, but Magnus loved that he was always brave enough to ask. He leaned forward and placed a hand on Alec’s cheek before giving him a soft kiss. “Of course.”

He helped Alec get undressed and then quickly shed his own clothes before guiding Alec into the warm spray.

“This feels amazing,” Alec said with a loud moan.

Magnus stood back, close enough if Alec needed him but enough room to not feel as if Magnus was hovering. Their shower was a little small, but they always made it work. Granted, they were usually pressed up against each other whenever they showered together. He let is eyes roam over the hard muscles of his husband’s body. Despite being fairly inactive recently, Alec’s physique certainly didn’t suffer from it. And he truly meant what he said about waiting, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t appreciate how gorgeous his husband was.

“Here.” Alec nudged him forward until he was standing under the showerhead and Alec was behind him. “Is this ok?” he asked as he began lathering shampoo into his hair. 

Now it was Magnus’s turn to let out a soft moan. Nothing felt quite as delicious as Alec working his fingers through his hair under the hot cascade of water. He was torn between not wanting Alec to overexert himself and never wanting him to stop massaging.

“Alexander,” he murmured. “Your hands are absolutely sinful.”

Alec chuckled and pressed a kiss to the back of his neck. “You deserve this and so much more. Thank you for staying with me.”

Magnus turned around to look up at him. “Where else would I be?”

Alec leaned forward as if to kiss him but stopped before making contact. That just wouldn’t do. Magnus reached up and placed his hand on the back of Alec’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss. Wet lips glided across his own before Alec’s tongue teased his lips, seeking entry. He gladly opened his mouth as he was desperate for the taste of his husband. And there it was, that little hitch in Alec’s breathing that made Magnus flush with pride knowing he’d coaxed that response from Alec, that he was the only one who ever had or ever would.

And if that wasn’t evidence enough, he could certainly feel Alec’s interest as his husband pressed up against him. He reached down and placed both hands on his hips and pulled Alec closer to him, rubbing his own body against Alec’s.

Alec broke off the kiss with a gasp and a moan as he dropped his forehead against Magnus’s shoulder. “You feel so good.” He turned his head and began kissing along Magnus’s neck while raking his hand through Magnus’s hair, washing away any remaining suds.

Magnus felt as if he would shudder apart any second. He and Alec didn’t often go for long periods of time without some sort of physical intimacy, and his body was now craving that release. “Alec.”

“Is this ok? Can I?”

“Yes!” he hissed. “Please. Both of us, ok?”

“Yeah,” Alec whispered before stealing another kiss.

His knees almost buckled when Alec reached down and touched him, bringing them together. His fingers dug in Alec’s hip as he moved against him in time with Alec’s strokes. Alec rested his forehead against Magnus’s, and they shared their breaths, both of them panting too much to properly kiss.

Oh, how he had missed this. His husband was a vision with his flushed cheeks and bunching muscles. He would almost be embarrassed that it only took a few strokes before he was spilling into Alec’s hand, but he felt too good. 

“Now you,” he murmured as he pressed hot open kisses along Alec’s chest. He flicked his tongue across the hardened pink bud, and Alec was done. He had discovered early in their relationship that Alec was incredibly sensitive, and he loved watching him fall apart in pleasure. His husband let out a sharp cry as his body trembled under his touch.

He felt Alec’s weight shift, and he caught him before his legs could give out. “I got you.”

Alec sagged against him and allowed Magnus to hold him up. “You always do.”


	7. Chapter 7

Magnus made his way down the infirmary hallway. This never got easier. Jace’s message told him not to worry, but after last time, how could he not? He heard his husband’s voice as he got closer to the room.

“I’m fine. I just took a wrong step.”

“Even if that were the case, your leg still buckled, and you’re still in pain,” Jace reasoned.

Magnus chuckled upon hearing Alec’s salty reply. “Are you being a difficult patient?” he asked when he entered the room?”

“I’m not a patient at all,” Alec grumbled. “And they shouldn’t have called you. I’m fine. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have work to do.” He shifted to get off the exam bed, but Jace stepped in front of him and held his arm.

“Did you just forget we’re parabatai? You can fool the medics and order them around, but I can feel what you’re feeling, Alec.”

Magnus watched his husband clench his jaw and refuse to answer Jace. He had no doubt Alec was in pain and knew his husband would not want to show any weakness while he was still in the Institute. He’d been back at work now for two weeks, and today would have been his second time joining a patrol. The physical therapy had been going well, and Alec had regained most of his mobility, but he was still in the recovery phase.

He stepped up to the bed and took hold of one of Alec’s hands. “Why don’t you join me for lunch and then you can come back and work on those reports this afternoon?”

Alec glared at him for a moment before nodding his head. There was an awkward moment where Alec struggled to get off the exam bed. Magnus felt a small measure of pride when Alec allowed him and Jace to assist him. He looked over at Jace and gave him a nod, grateful that none of them had to speak anything aloud.

He opened a portal, and he and Alec stepped through and into the loft. Alec stumbled a bit but quickly righted himself and went over to the sofa. Magnus watched as he tried to minimize his limp.

“So, if you have time, I can order delivery from that new restaurant that opened up around the corner,” he suggested.

Alec studied him for a moment. “What? No lecture on overdoing it?”

Magnus shrugged. “You know what this is as well as I do. If you want me to fuss and nag, I can, but I doubt it will do much good at this point.”

“Sorry. I’m being difficult.”

“You’re allowed.” Magnus sat down next to him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“There really isn’t anything to say. I didn’t push too hard. I didn’t take any unnecessary risks. I was fine on patrol the other night. We were on our way back when my leg started burning, and then it just buckled. Feels like a strain, but I know I didn’t do anything to strain it.”

Magnus could clearly hear the frustration in Alec’s voice, and he understood. It had taken Alec a long time to come to terms with this injury, and any setback still generated a spark of fear in him that this could indeed be permanent.

“Sweetheart, do you remember what Catarina said about bad days?”

Alec opened his mouth and then stopped for a second. “That I should expect good and bad days.”

“Mmm-hmm. Recovery is a process and a bad day doesn’t mean it’s all over. It’s just a bad day. Your body is telling you it needs a break.”

Alec leaned back against the sofa and rubbed his hand across his forehead. “It feels like this is never going to end.”

“A bad day can often feel that way. Why don’t I go ahead and order lunch, and I’ll give you a massage while we wait for the delivery. Afterwards, maybe you can take a warm bath before heading back to work.” Magnus knew better than to suggest Alec take the rest of the day off. He very well might end up doing so, but Alec needed to be the one to come to that conclusion.

“You don’t mind?” Alec asked, glancing over at him.

“You know I don’t.” Magnus leaned forward and brushed a kiss across Alec’s lip. “Head on into the bedroom, and I’ll be there shortly.”

By the time he joined Alec, his husband was stripped down to his boxers and stretched out on the bed. His eyes were closed, and his mouth was turned down in a small frown. His heart ached for his strong Shadowhunter. Alec had been cautiously hopeful that he would make a full recovery, and he had just started to allow himself to believe it was possible.

“Lunch should be here in about 20 minutes,” he said as he gathered the massage oil from the bathroom. He poured a dollop in his hand and added a little magic to warm it up. “Anyplace in particular?” he asked.

“My hip down to my knee,” Alec muttered as he buried his face in the pillow.

Magnus noted that if he were to massage that high, Alec would need to remove his boxers as well. The fact that he was still wearing them told Magnus that Alec was not willing to be that exposed right now. He didn’t say anything but started massaging the lower range of the area Alec had indicated.

He could feel the bunched up muscles under his fingers and felt a wave of sympathy. No wonder Alec was frustrated. He didn’t try to make small talk but instead focused on trying to work out those knots in his leg. By the time their food arrived, Magnus had worked out most of the kinks, and Alec’s gait had improved.

“Is something wrong with your food?” Magnus asked after noticing Alec hadn’t done much more than push the food around his plate.

“Just not really hungry.”

Alec had an active morning and should have been hungry, but his husband tended to not eat when he was upset about something. Magnus nodded and made a mental note to try to get Alec to drink a smoothie later.

“Thank you for lunch,” Alec told him as he got up from the table and headed over to the sofa.

Magnus watched him as he moved across the room. The massage seemed to have helped as Alec’s movements were a bit more fluid. His husband usually exuded so much strength and confidence, but now, stretched out on their sofa in a pair of sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, Alec seemed small and vulnerable. He cleared the table with a spell and a wave of his hand and then went to join him.

He perched on the edge of the cushion. “Are you ready for a warm bath?”

“Maybe in a bit.” Alec kept his gaze down towards his hands where he was using his thumb to scratch against the back of his other hand.

Magnus shifted over to sit alongside Alec and reached out and took hold of his hand. “Talk to me.”

Alex gave him a half-hearted shrug. “Thank you for the massage and for getting lunch.”

“You’re welcome, but you’ve already thanked me. What’s going on in that mind of yours?”

Alec was quiet for a moment, but he did tighten his grip on Magnus‘s hand. “I’m scared,” he finally admitted.

Magnus didn’t say anything but instead waited for Alec to continue.

“I was doing so well, and this just came out of nowhere. How can Jace rely on me if my leg is just going to go out at any time?”

Alec was looking at him with big round eyes, as if he were hoping that Magnus had the answer, but unfortunately, he didn’t. He wouldn’t give Alec false hope, but he also would not allow him to feel as if there was no hope at all. “I wish I had the answers you desperately need to hear, but I don’t. All I can do is remind you of how far you’ve come, and that Catarina expects you to make a full recovery based on how well you’re doing. As well as remind you that she did say there will be bad days. I don’t know how long they will last or how often they will crop up, but you will not handle them alone.”

“What if it’s always like this?”

“What if you’d asked me that question three weeks ago?”

Alec sighed and dropped his head back against the sofa. “I know I’m being difficult.”

“Far from it,” Magnus assured him.

“I know I’ve said it, but I want you to know how much I love you for standing by me. I don’t know if I could have done any of this without you.”

Magnus loved this man so much. He leaned over and pulled Alec close to him and pressed soft kisses on the side of his face. “That’s one thing you’ll never have to worry about.”


End file.
